Monk (Tv Series) Quotations

Monk (2002 – 2009) is a television drama/comedy created by Andy Breckman about Adrian Monk, a former detective, and now consultant, for the San Francisco Police Department who suffers from a number of psychological disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and several phobias.

Contents 1 Season 1 1.1 Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01] 1.2 Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02] 1.3 Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03] 1.4 Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04] 1.5 Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05] 1.6 Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06] 1.7 Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07] 1.8 Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08] 1.9 Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09] 1.10 Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10] 1.11 Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11] 1.12 Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12] 2 Season 2 2.1 Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01] 2.2 Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02] 2.3 Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03] 2.4 Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04] 2.5 Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05] 2.6 Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06] 2.7 Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07] 2.8 Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08] 2.9 Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09] 2.10 Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10] 2.11 Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11] 2.12 Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star [2.12] 2.13 Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13] 2.14 Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife [2.14] 2.15 Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15] 2.16 Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16] 3 Season 3 3.1 Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01] 3.2 Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02] 3.3 Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03] 3.4 Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04] 3.5 Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05] 3.6 Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06] 3.7 Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07] 3.8 Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08] 3.9 Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09] 3.10 Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10] 3.11 Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11] 3.12 Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12] 3.13 Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13] 3.14 Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14] 3.15 Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15] 3.16 Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16] 4 Season 4 4.1 Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01] 4.2 Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02] 4.3 Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03] 4.4 Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04] 4.5 Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05] 4.6 Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06] 4.7 Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07] 4.8 Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08] 4.9 Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09] 4.10 Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10] 4.11 Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11] 4.12 Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12] 4.13 Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13] 4.14 Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14] 4.15 Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15] 4.16 Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16] 5 Season 5 5.1 Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01] 5.2 Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02] 5.3 Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03] 5.4 Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04] 5.5 Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05] 5.6 Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06] 5.7 Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07] 5.8 Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08] 5.9 Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09] 5.10 Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10] 5.11 Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11] 5.12 Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12] 5.13 Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13] 5.14 Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14] 5.15 Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15] 5.16 Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital [5.16] 6 Season 6 6.1 Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1] 6.2 Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2] 6.3 Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3] 6.4 Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4] 6.5 Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5] 6.6 Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6] 6.7 Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7] 6.8 Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man [6.8] 6.9 Mr. Monk Is Up All Night [6.9] 6.10 Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10] 6.11 Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11] 6.12 Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12] 6.13 Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13] 6.14 Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece [6.14] 6.15 Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 1 [6.15] 6.16 Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16] 7 Season 7 7.1 Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01] 7.2 Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02] 7.3 Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03] 7.4 Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04] 7.5 Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05] 7.6 Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06] 7.7 Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07] 7.8 Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08] 7.9 Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09] 7.10 Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10] 7.11 Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11] 7.12 Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12] 7.13 Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13] 7.14 Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14] 7.15 Mr. Monk and the Magician [7.15] 7.16 Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16] 8 Season 8 8.1 Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1] 8.2 Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2] 8.3 Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3] 8.4 Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4] 8.5 Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5] 8.6 Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6] 8.7 Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7] 8.8 Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8] 8.9 Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9] 8.10 Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10] 8.11 Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.11] 8.12 Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.12] 8.13 Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13] 8.14 Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14] 8.15 Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15] 8.16 Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16] 9 Recurring quotes 10 TV Spots 11 Cast 12 External links

Season 1

Mr. Monk and the Candidate [1.01]

[first lines]

Adrian Monk: The stove...

Lt. Gitomer: Right here, in the kitchen.

Adrian Monk: No, I mean my stove. I think I left it on.

---

[After watching Monk at work]

Cop #1: So that's the living legend.

Lt. Gitomer: If you call that living.

---

[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]

Policewoman: What's he doing?

Sharona: I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

---

Sharona: You're going straight to Hell.

Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.

---

Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds, and... milk.

Sharona: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.

---

Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.

[She walks off.]

Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?

Sharona: I never vote. It only encourages them.

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let it go!

[leaves]

Sharona: Are we gonna let it go?

Monk: Hell, no.

Sharona: So what do we do now?

Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm, aah! I've always wanted to say that!

---

Miranda St. Claire: You have to believe me.

Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I have to listen to you. I don't have to believe you.

---

Monk: So, are you ever going to tell me what kind of dancing you did in Atlantic City?

Sharona: Ballroom.

---

[The hired killer, after shooting his employer, continues to fire on the crowd.]

Sharona: Oh my God! It's Sykes! He's here.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sykes? What's he doing here?!

Monk: [dryly] I think he and Gavin are having some kind of contract dispute.

Mr. Monk and the Psychic [1.02]

[ Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]

Sharona: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?

Monk: No, I-I can see from here.

Sharona: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

---

[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.

Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona.

[He looks at his desk.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What happened here?

Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?

Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

---

[Monk is looking for some evidence in a hardware store.]

Monk: It's a small pebble. It's about the size... of a... small pebble.

---

[Monk finds the crucial piece of evidence lodged in his hair after Sharona has been rooting around in a dumpster for it.]

Monk: Oh, wait. I found it.

Sharona: Where was it?!

Monk: It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...

Sharona: [hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

---

Monk: You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything — UFOs, elves, income tax rebates...

Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale [1.03]

Benjy: [about Monk] Can I bring him to school? Like, for show and tell?

---

Monk: Go to hell.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.

---

[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]

Disher: What about liposuction?

Stottlemeyer: What?

Disher: Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.

Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?

[Long pause.]

Disher: Reverse liposuction.

---

[Capt. Stottlemeyer leads star witness Vezza from Biederbeck's bedroom. Biederbeck yells after him.]

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!

Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.

---

[Monk and Sharona are walking down a pier.]

Sharona: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisiness, I promise I'll shut up.

Monk: I doubt it.

[They smile and there is a pause as they keep walking.]

Sharona: What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?

Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".

Sharona: So when she died...

Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."

[She takes his arm in hers and they continue walking.]

Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival [1.04]

[After Monk breaks her car's headlight while driving, Sharona stops him from getting back behind the wheel.]

Sharona: I'm driving. When Hell freezes over, you can drive again. No — you know what? Even if Hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice! Get in the car!

---

[Captain Stottlemeyer comes out of the hearing, having failed to support Monk's reinstatement.]

Sharona: You son of a bitch.

Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing.

Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.

Sharona: He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!

Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready.

[Monk walks off.]

Sharona: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?

Lt. Disher: No, sir.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.

Lt. Disher: Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?

Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.

Lt. Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir...

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one... Adrian Monk.

---

Sharona: You okay?

Monk: I just wanna be alone.

Sharona: Okay, I'll come with you.

---

[first time line is spoken in the series]

Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?

Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum [1.05]

[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa," in reality Dr. Lancaster in disguise, as the police cover them from below.]

Adrian Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know — except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.

Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger [1.06]

[Sharona waits impatiently for her paycheck, but Monk doesn't think the case is solved yet.]

Sharona: Adrian, I'm giving you until 3.

[Monk looks at his watch.]

Sharona: No, not 3 o'clock. I'm counting to three.

---

[Disher comes into Stottlemeyer's office]

Lt. Disher: Captain.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No. All he wanted to know was what we’re doing about the runaway cop.

Lt. Disher: Fraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk, with the headline "Who Is Fraidy Cop?"]

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?

Lt. Disher: That’s what they’re calling him. We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up map. He sighs.] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins]

Lt. Disher: After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [puts a pushpin into an intersection on the map] he flagged down a taxi.

Captain Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?

Lt. Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar upon Geary Street... [puts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.

Captain Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.

Lt. Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.

Captain Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?

Lt. Disher: Yeah.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that son of a bitch better hope I don’t find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]

---

[Stottlemeyer speaks at a press conference]

Captain Stottlemeyer: Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown. The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion. We believe that Mr. Teal, was in fact trying to murder Mr. Modine, who was linked romantically at one time with Mr. Teal’s wife, Myra. Over the next 10 days, the D.A.’s office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr. Modine for filing a false report. Any questions?

Reporter #1: Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop?

Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.

Reporter #1: Captain, there’s a story in today’s Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop, but is refusing to release it.

Reporter #2: Is that true, Captain?

Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.

[The reporters all clamor for a few moments until Stottlemeyer interrupts]

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Hey, hey. Hang on. I have another statement. Here it is. The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.

---

[Monk and Sharona arrive at the crime scene]

Adrian Monk: Captain! I see the circus is in town.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yes. It’s gonna get a lot worse.

Sharona Fleming: Captian, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee.

Adrian Monk: [noticing another man] That the shooter?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Archie Modine. He’s an ex-cop. He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto. I already checked him out. He was a straight up good cop. Now, he’s the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.

Sharona Fleming: Uh, Captain. About our fee, we want—

Adrian Monk: Sharona.

Sharona Fleming: We want to talk.

Adrian Monk: Sharona, please. [to Stottlemeyer] Walk me through it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece. .38 caliber. I already called. He’s licensed. Bang. Bang. Bang. Three in the chest.

Adrian Monk: So, I just have one question. What am I doing here?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.

Sharona Fleming: The computer guy?

Adrian Monk: Get out of town.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That’s what $5 billion looks like.

Adrian Monk: Get out of town. What in God’s name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]

Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.

Adrian Monk: Yeah. I wouldn’t know.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that’s my theory. If you’ve got a better one, I’d really like to hear it.

Adrian Monk: Well—

Sharona Fleming: No. No. Captain, we can’t start working until we talk about our fee.

Adrian Monk: Sharona, could you give me a second here? [Sharona walks away] You know, this is insane.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it’s crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. [He uncovers Teal's leg] This guy’s wearin’ knee pads.

Adrian Monk: Knee pads?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he’s got elbow pads.

Adrian Monk: Was he planning on going Rollerblading after?

Mr. Monk and the Other Woman [1.07]

Monk: It doesn't make any sense.

Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?

Monk: Well... yeah, it kinda does.

---

Todd: You should be ashamed of yourself!

Monk: I am, 24-7.

---

[Adrian packs to stay overnight at Monica's after a murder in her garage.]

Sharona: I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!

Monk: You won't have to get me — I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!

---

[After Stottlemeyer ruins Monk's night "sleepover" with a wrong accusation, and Monk nevertheless solves the case...]

Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk!

[Stottlemeyer shuffles uncomfortably for a moment.]

Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.

Monk: You don't have to say that.

Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.

Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man [1.08]

[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]

Monk: It was askew!

Sharona: So what? So what — why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?

Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

---

[Stottlemeyer et al. confront McDowell about his affair with the murder victim.]

Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.

McDowell: Yes, uh... I really screwed up, big time.

Stottlemeyer: How long have you been "screwing up"?

---

[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]

Monk: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.

Tonday: I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.

[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]

Monk: Baggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!

Sharona: Just give it to me.

Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation [1.09]

[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]

Benjy: Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?

Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.

Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?

Monk: Someday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.

---

[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]

Disher: So, you want to tell me what's going on?

Monk: I think this time, he might have killed his wife.

Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?

Monk: No, but I think this place is run by the same company.

---

[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]

Monk: There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?

Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.

[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]

Monk: They were short.

Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?

Monk: It's a nutty world.

---

Monk: Okay, just for the record, what we just did...

Benjy: Breaking and entering?

Monk: Yeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.

---

[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]

Benjy: Think the dead body's in here?

Monk: Maybe. It's been everywhere else.

Mr. Monk and the Earthquake [1.10]

[The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home.]

Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.

Benjy: Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?

Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.

---

[As they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Adrian attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room.]

Father Hatcher: Um... where's he from?

Sharona: Neptune.

---

[Benjy turns on the tap and rusty colored water comes out]

Benjy Fleming: The water's all rusty!

Gail Fleming: Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?

[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cuts to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]

Gail Fleming: [banging on the door] Mr. Monk?

Adrian Monk: Don't come in, I'm taking a bath.

Gail Fleming: With my mineral water?!

Adrian Monk: I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.

Gail Fleming: Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me $95 dollars!

Adrian Monk: [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!

---

Lt. Disher: So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?

Gail Fleming: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.

Lt. Disher: ...And?

Gail Fleming: And, that's what it's like!

---

[Sharona kicks Darryl into the arms of Capt. Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind.]

Darryl Wright: Son of a bitch!

Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.

Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw!

[Stottlemeyer spins him around and belts him.]

Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [1.11]

[During the initial police press conference, a streaker runs by.]

Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?

Disher: That was a... streaker, sir.

Stottlemeyer: What is this? 1974?

---

[Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.]

Willie Nelson: You know more about me than I do.

Sharona Fleming: He knows more about everybody than they do.

---

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]

Lt. Randall Disher: The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]

Sharona Fleming: Oh, uh, he's practicing.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really?

Sharona Fleming: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with h is band.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, we see Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. [Sonny Cross passes by the camera a few minutes later] Fast-forward. And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson comes running into the alleyway on the tape] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.

Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna arrest him?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.

Adrian Monk: Captain, what about the note on the door?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.

Adrian Monk: I don't know.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.

Lt. Randall Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B", Monk?

Adrian Monk: I think it's "C".

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?

Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

---

Kenny Freedman: [on the radio] We're back. I'm Little Kenny Freedman. You're listening to Three Chord Monte on KNGY. We are very excited to have live in our studio the legendary Willie Nelson. I know you've been reading a lot about Willie in the papers. Everybody seems to have an opinion on "the incident". But tonight, we're gonna forget about all that and enjoy the music. Willie, would you like to introduce the band?

---

Lt. Randall Disher: So, what's the plan?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?

Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reasonably sure. [turns to Mrs. Mass] Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?

Wendy Maas: No, I like classical.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. Good. Bring him in.

Mr. Monk and the Airplane [1.12]

Sharona: Aunt Minn's not coming here. I'm going there. My, ah, flight leaves in about an hour, and... I'm gonna be gone for seven days.

Monk: In a row?

---

[Adrian empties his pockets of all his baggied items, including his money.]

Security Guard: You didn't have to put them in baggies, sir.

Sharona: No, he did.

---

Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like... forgetting you're a Republican.

---

[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]

Disher: Are you really up there in an airplane?

Monk: It's better than being up here not in an airplane.

---

[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]

Monk: Sharona! Open up! This isn't funny!

[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]

Sharona: What's that?

Monk: It's my will.

---

Little Girl: Pete and Repeat got in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Adrian Monk: Repeat.

[Scene repeats]

Season 2

Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [2.01]

Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.

Monk: No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.

---

Monk: [repeating Derek Philby's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven."

---

Adrian Monk: Used to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their report.

[takes paper towel, reaches for the coffee pot with the regular coffee, and starts pouring it into the pot with the decaf]

Adrian Monk: Were you all here when Miss Landow died?

First Teacher: That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test.

Adrian Monk: So - so you were all together? [looks closely at the pots to make sure they are even]

First Teacher: No, we were in different classrooms.

Sharona Fleming: Adrian...!

[Monk is not happy with the measurements. So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out]

Derek Philby: Excuse me, what are you doing?

Adrian Monk: Oh - um... just making them even.

Derek Philby: [highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!

Adrian Monk: But they're even.

Derek Philby: But they're mixed together!

Adrian Monk: But they're - they're even.

Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.

Adrian Monk: But they're even...

Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.

Adrian Monk: But they're even...

[changes the subject]

Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico [2.02]

[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]

Monk: What am I going to eat and drink?

Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.

Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?

---

[After Monk has turned up, having been presumed dead]

Monk: [tortured] That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead... am I?

---

[Monk has been presumed dead]

Stottlemeyer: I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...

Disher: Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...

Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.

[The phone rings.]

Stottlemeyer: [answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand.

[hangs up]

Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is alive.

[And now he has to cancel all his funeral arrangements!]

Stottlemeyer: I HATE THAT MAN!

---

Lt. Plato: Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces.

Sharona: Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces?

Lt. Plato: They are fiesta beads.

Sharona: What are fiesta beads?

Lt. Plato: You don't remember how you got them?

Sharona: Ahh, no.

Lt. Plato: Guys give them to girls... at parties.

Sharona: Oh, what for?

[Lt. Plato whispers to Sharona]

Sharona: [gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?!

Lt. Plato: You wore them so... proudly!

---

[explaining what happened, hoarsely, as he hasn't drank any water in days]

Monk: He was a thirsty victim...

Sharona: Adrian.

Monk: I mean, the perfect victim.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame [2.03]

[Monk gets baseball star Scott Gregorio to coach Benjy at batting practice.]

Sharona: Thank you, Adrian! [pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.

Monk: You're welcome.

---

Scott Gregorio: They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?

Adrian Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

---

[Monk solves the case, and brings a videotape to prove his theory.]

Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.

Sharona: Okay, here it is!

Monk: Don't blink.

[They watch the video.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.

Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my...

Lt. Disher: Oh, my God!

Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

---

[after the season ends, and Scott has failed to break a famous record]

Scott Gregorio: ...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus [2.04]

[Monk has discovered that horse trainer Arianna Dakkar is preparing to become a U.S. citizen.]

Arianna Dakkar: How did you know that?

Adrian Monk: That pamphlet in your bag. [In Ariana's purse, we see a pamphlet that says "A Guide to the United States Constitution"] You're studying the U.S. Constitution — something no citizen would ever do.

---

Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...

Dr. Kroger: That's right.

Monk: I'm paying you...

Dr. Kroger: That's right.

Monk: ...but you won't tell me.

Dr. Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.

Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

---

Monk: What is your problem?!

Stottlemeyer: Hey, clown! Take a walk!

---

[Monk summarizes the case, and a nearby clown imitates Monk and Stottlemeyer.]

Natasia Lovara: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story, but you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.

Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.

[The clown motions Randy out.]

Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down...

[Natasia looks smug.]

Monk: Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it.

[The smug look fades.]

Monk: You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?

Clown: [Makes honking sound, forms a gun with hands] Wocka wocka!

Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak. You're under arrest! [handcuffs the clown]

Clown: For what?!

Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!

[Natasia manages to kick Monk in the shins and starts to make her getaway]

---

[Monk wants to go home a few minutes after they arrived]

Sharona: Oh, just suck it up.

Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up, I think it's your turn to suck it up.

Benjy: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?

Sharona: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Benjy: No.

Sharona: Well, you should. Come here.

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man [2.05]

Stottlemeyer: A hundred and fifteen? People that old, they die! It's like their job!

---

Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room?

Monk: Yes, I have.

Leland Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?

Monk: Yes, I have.

Leland Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?

Monk: He... was murdered. [into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen.

Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!

Leland Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

---

Monk: So what do you think?

Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am.

Monk: Don't say that.

Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature.

Monk: Thank you.

---

[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]

Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.

Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...

Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.

---

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.

Monk: What is it?

Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case!

---

Leland Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me?

Leland Stottlemeyer: First thing tomorrow, I am going to call the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE!

Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!

Leland Stottlemeyer: FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater [2.06]

[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]

Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?

Monk: For... what?

Greeter: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.

Sharona: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.

Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

---

Monk: Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

---

Date #1: [Romantically] I like your eyes.

Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.

Date #1: [Romantically] So you're a former police officer.

Monk: That's right.

Date #1: [Romantically] You still have your handcuffs?

Monk: Yes.

Date #1: [Romantically] Can you show them to me sometime?

Monk: I don't see why you would want to... they're just handcuffs!

---

Sharona: So, how'd the dating go?

Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single.

Sharona: You are single.

Monk: Oh, yeah.

---

Monk: You... you enter from the right...

Sharona: You mean the left. That's stage left.

Monk: But it's on the right.

Sharona: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.

[She shrugs at Monk's confusion.]

Sharona: My sister's an actress!

Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth.

Sharona: [sardonically] Like you would know.

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect [2.07]

[first lines]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.

Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.

Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?

Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do. [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]

Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that... [Brian Babbage drives up, and repeatedly rams his car into Stottlemeyer's vehicle. As soon as he pulls up ahead of the hood of the car, he lowers the window and says]

Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass! [gives them the finger, then floors on it]

Captain Stottlemeyer: [to his suspect] Don't move! [Dwayne takes off as Stottlemeyer and Disher jump into their car and prepare to chase Brian]

Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir? [Stottlemeyer activates the dashboard light and grabs the walkie-talkie]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run, he's eastbound on Union.

Lt. Randall Disher: This is my first car chase. I've been waiting for this my whole life!

[A pickup truck hits Brian's car from the left and sends it crashing into a parked car. Stottlemeyer casually unbuckles his seat belt and turns off the dashboard light]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think? [Randy is visibly disappointed]

---

Sharona: Is that a new tie?

Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.

Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.

Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy?

Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

---

Monk: He's the guy.

Stottlemeyer: Who?

[Monk indicates Brian, who is in a coma]

Stottlemeyer: Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!

---

[Agent Grooms kicks Stottlemeyer out of the interrogation room]

Captain Stottlemeyer: I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.

Lt. Randall Disher: You want some coffee, sir?

Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that ATF CREEP to eat crow!

Adrian Monk: Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don’t know how.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, again, he’s in a coma.

Adrian Monk: He’s the guy.

Captain Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he’s gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.

Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?

Sharona Fleming: I already had that idea. Tell him.

Adrian Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn’t know he was gonna be in a coma.

Sharona Fleming: It’s not exactly something you can plan.

Adrian Monk: All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.

Adrian Monk: That's right.

Captain Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.

Adrian Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit — it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!

Adrian Monk: Nonetheless.

Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

[Agent Grooms comes out of the interrogation room, having finished questioning Ricky Babbage]

Agent Grooms: Captain. Sorry about in there, I, uh, work better one on one.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. So, how’s it look?

Agent Grooms: He’s bending not breaking. I’ll get him. About to write up my case report, uh, I’m gonna list him as my primary. I’ll need you to sign off on that. Right? Be easier to get an indictment if we’re all on the same page.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I’m thinking… [glances at Monk] Maybe it’s the other brother.

Agent Grooms: Well, there’s only one other brother, and... he’s in a coma.

Captain Stottlemeyer: That’s the one. I think, uh, I think we should look into him.

[Stottlemeyer takes another glance at Monk, who is showing support]

Agent Grooms: He’s a vegetable, Captain.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I know.

Agent Grooms: Don’t you think that eliminates him as a suspect? I mean, I’m just…curious. How do you think he did it?

Captain Stottlemeyer: We’re still working on that.

Agent Grooms: Yeah. Well, good luck with that, Captain. Uh, keep me informed.

---

Sharona: Why can't you be happy for me?

Monk: I am happy for you. This is me, being happy for you. I was just telling Brian how happy you seem.

Sharona: Who's Brian?

Monk: Brian Babbage.

Sharona: The coma guy? He woke up?

Monk: No.

Sharona: But you were talking to him.

Monk: He's a good listener.

---

U.S. Postal Worker Tamil Swarma: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the Messenger of Evil. Who'd a thunk it?

Monk: Well put, Tamil.

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy [2.08]

[Monk tries to find an article in a Sapphire nudie magazine, but after seeing its other contents, he looks away, humming nervously.]

Diane Luden: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?

Sharona Fleming: He is now.

---

Monk: That's strange. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?

Sharona: Try not to think about that now.

---

Dexter Larsen: [about his life before publishing Sapphire] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to.

Sharona: You still are.

---

[Monk has reduced a whole room full of Sapphire models to tears reading Trudy's last poem to him.]

Partygoer: [coming in] Anybody want a swim?

Model: I just want to go home.

2nd Model: Me, too.

---

[Monk is searching Danny Bonaduce's car when Dexter Larsen spots him]

Dexter Larsen: Detective, caddie, car thief. You wear many hats, Mr. Monk. You, uh…you looking for something?

Adrian Monk: Did you drive this car, Mr. Larsen? Maybe Sunday morning?

Dexter Larsen: Why would you think that?

Adrian Monk: Somebody was smoking a cigar in here.

Dexter Larsen: Well, a lot of people smoke cigars, Mr. Monk.

Adrian Monk: Right, but the texture and size of this cigar ash are consistent with those from your precious Cubano de Oros.

Dexter Larsen: Hmmm.

Adrian Monk: How did you do it?

Dexter Larsen: You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this?

Adrian Monk: No, no. I mean. How did you murder Elliot D’Souza?

Dexter Larsen: What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliot was alone. The door was locked.

Adrian Monk: Right. How did you do it?

Dexter Larsen: You’ve taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I’ve taken an interest on you too, and your friend Sharona. May I show you something? [produces a photograph from an envelope] My research staff is first rate. She must have been nineteen, maybe twenty. You know what? Th…that’s…that’s my favorite age. Hungry with no inhibitions. These were taken in Atlantic City. She was using a different name, but my lawyers assure me that the release that she signed is solid. I can publish them anytime I want.

Adrian Monk: What kind of man are you?

Dexter Larsen: I told you on the golf course, Mr. Monk. I do not lose. Now Sharona, she has a son, how old is he now?

Adrian Monk: He is twelve.

Dexter Larsen: Twelve. That’s an impressionable age. I think we understand each other, don’t we? Any more questions about what happened to Elliott?

Adrian Monk: No.

Dexter Larsen: You can let yourself out.

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man [2.09]

Mrs. Ling: You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain.

Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.

Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.

Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

---

[Monk and Sharona talk to handyman Ian Agnew about his lawsuit against the Babcocks]

Adrian Monk: Thank you for seeing us.

Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?

Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.

Ian Agnew: Please, sit down. [he appears to have a rather sudden pained reaction, possibly from the pipe]

Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?

Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe. [points to the protruding piece of metal pipe] I have a piece of pipe in my head. [pauses] I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...

Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.

Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack. [laughs] I'll get it! [picks up the phone] Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number. [to Monk and Sharona] HOW'S THAT COFFEE? [turns to an empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG!

[He turns back to Monk and Sharona]

Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.

Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?

Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it. [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to another imaginary caller] You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!

Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?

Ian Agnew: I testified.

Sharona Fleming: Did you spend any time with the jury?

Ian Agnew: No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors! [singing] Daisy, Daisy, tell me your answer true! [turns back to the empty spot on the floor] BAD DOG! [then back to Monk and Sharona]

Ian Agnew: You know what I think I miss the most? [points to the pipe] Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this. [picks up the phone again]

Ian Agnew: Hello. Hello.

Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.

Ian Agnew: [talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?

Adrian Monk: We'll let ourselves out.

Ian Agnew: Tell me who this is RIGHT NOW! [Monk and Sharona walk out] Well I don't believe that for a minute!

---

Sharona Fleming: [about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.

Sharona Fleming: Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment. [to a passing cop] Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you! [turns back to Sharona] See, I call everybody a weasel.

---

Lt. Disher: Captain! [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down, it's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer holds the file to his forehead]

Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Disher]

Lt. Disher: How did you know that?

Captain Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy [2.10]

[Monk has accidentally wiped his hands with a garage rag, smearing them with oil.]

Monk: Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

---

[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.

[pause]

Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

...

[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]

Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

---

Monk: Why do you torture me like this?

Sharona: Because I can.

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies [2.11]

Sharona: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?

[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]

Adrian: No.

Sharona: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.

[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]

Adrian: Wait, wait... I might have a brother.

Sharona: You told me you were an only child.

Adrian: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.

Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?

Adrian: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!

---

[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]

Monk: What's that for?

Sharona: For making my family seem normal.

---

Sharona: Hi, I'm Sharona Fleming and this is Adrian Monk.

Pat van Ranken: [starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?

Monk: No, I'm his brother.

Pat van Ranken: You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?

Monk: Thirty-two...

Pat van Ranken: My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?

Monk: Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.

---

Sharona: Ambrose, come with us.

Ambrose: Outside? Oh no, I can't.

Sharona: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?

Ambrose: That's my plan, yes.

---

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.

Pat van Ranken: What?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Please, don't make me say it again.

Pat van Ranken: And if I refuse?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we'll get a search warrant.

Pat van Ranken: For a pie?

---

[Adrian introduces Sharona to Ambrose]

Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.

Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.

Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.

Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.

Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.

Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.

---

Adrian Monk: He [van Ranken] was at the park all last night.

Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.

Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.

Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?

Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?

Adrian Monk: Um...

Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...

Sharona Fleming: Wow.

Ambrose Monk: Which are found...

Adrian Monk: Um...

Ambrose Monk: Near water...

Sharona Fleming: Wow.

Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.

Sharona Fleming: Wow!

Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."

Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.

Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.

Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.

---

[Adrian and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]

Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!

Sharona Fleming: Why?

Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.

---

[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]

Bingo Addict: Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.

Adrian Monk: Uh, no, thank you.

Bingo Addict: Go ahead. Rub the troll.

Adrian Monk: No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.

Bingo Addict: If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.

[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll aggressively with his shirt sleeve]

Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star [2.12]

[Monk reenacts a murder with Sharona as the victim]

Sharona: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.

Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.

---

[Monk solves the case]

Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...

Sharona: [sadly] He did it, didn't he?

---

Marci: If you ever get your own TV show, promise me you will never change the theme song.

N.B. Monk has "It's a jungle out there" by Randy Newman as his theme song in season two forward, but the first season had a guitar melody. As Marci says this, the old theme song starts to play and continues playing over the end credits.

Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny [2.13]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]

Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?

Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!

Abrash: What, are you guys playing "Good cop, crazy cop?"

---

[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]

Sharona: Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!

Monk: Let the man speak for himself.

Man: I don't want any gravy!

...

[Monk approaches man that didn't want gravy]

Monk: Here, it is!

Man: I told you, I didn't want any!

Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?

Man: Are you serious?

Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.

Man: I told you, I don't want it.

Monk: Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...

Man: And?

Monk: That's it.

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife [2.14]

[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on the transportation union's headquarters]

Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!

[everyone freezes]

Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.

Stottlemeyer: He what?

Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.

Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?

Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.

---

Stottlemeyer: Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?

Mr. Monk Gets Married [2.15]

Sharona: Have you been drinking?

Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

---

Disher: There's something wrong about this. My spidey sense is tingling.

---

Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.

Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.

---

Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.

Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

---

Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.

Sharona: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.

Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dream world.

Mr. Monk Goes to Jail [2.16]

[Two officers discuss an inmate who will be executed soon]

Warden Christie: Where's Ray Kaspo?

Guard: In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili.

Warden Christie: Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.

---

Adrian Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.

Adrian Monk: That's very poetic.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

---

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer...

Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]

---

[while pretending to be a convict, Monk tapes a picture of Trudy to his cell wall]

Spyder Rudner: Is that your old lady?

Adrian Monk: Yes.

Spyder Rudner: Is she waiting for you?

Adrian Monk: Yes, she is.

---

Spyder Rudner: All right, Adolf, let him go!

Lody: It's not about you, Spyder!

Spyder Rudner: The guy's a friend of mine.

Lody: He's a cop!

Spyder Rudner: Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go.

Lody: You'd side with a cop over us?

Spyder Rudner: I'd side with a cucaracha over you.

Season 3

Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan [3.01]

[The federal authorities are refusing access to Warrick Tennyson]

Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.

Captain Walter Cage: Come on, I didn't lie to you. If we close the ambassador case...

Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador, okay? He means less than zero to me! My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him too!

---

[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway train]

Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!

Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?

Sharona: Adrian Monk.

Subway Cop: And how old is he?

Sharona: He's forty-five.

---

Monk: You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!

[confused, everyone turns to look]

Busboy: Me?

Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!

Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-

Stottlemeyer: Monk...

Monk: We saw what you did-!

Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

---

[Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]

Sharona: That man took a whizz in the subway. That man killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?

[Monk thinks it over]

Monk: [hesitantly] The murderer.

---

Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?

Adrian Monk: I am the husband.

Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.

Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...

[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]

Adrian Monk: ...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

Mr. Monk and the Panic Room [3.02]

[Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]

Monk: Uh-oh...

Benjy: What?

Monk: The Band-Aid.

Benjy: It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!

...

Sharona: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!

Benjy: Mom!

Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.

Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father.

Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.

[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]

Benjy: OW!

---

Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because, for you, every room is a panic room.

Monk: Thank you.

Stottlemeyer: If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.

---

[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Sharona's house]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this.

Lt. Randall Disher: Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, you can? Since when. [Sharona opens the door]

Sharona Fleming: Hey.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.

Sharona Fleming: About what?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?

Sharona Fleming: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.

Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?

Sharona Fleming: What are you talking about?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're gonna find him. Is he here?

[Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]

Sharona Fleming: Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!

Lt. Randall Disher: He's killed before.

Sharona Fleming: No he hasn't!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.

Lt. Randall Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.

Lt. Randall Disher: Roger that.

[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?

Sharona Fleming: Benjy threw up.

[Stottlemeyer is not convinced]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: On the wall?

Sharona Fleming: It was pretty awful.

Lt. Randall Disher: [heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! False alarm! False alarm!

[Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

---

[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left Darwin loose with Monk.]

Dr. Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?

Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?

Dr. Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.

Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

Mr. Monk and the Blackout [3.03]

[During a blackout]

Monk: [groans]

Sharona: Benjy, hold his hand.

Benjy: Ow! He's squeezing it!

Sharona: Let him squeeze it.

Monk: When will it be over?

Sharona: Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.

Monk: When will it be over?

Sharona: I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.

Monk: When will it be over?!

Benjy: Make him stop!

[The lights come back on]

Sharona: See? I told you.

Monk: I didn't know when it would be over.

Sharona: So I heard.

---

[Monk has a date]

Sharona: Are you excited?

Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.

Sharona: Petrified and full of regret. Welcome to the world of dating.

---

[When stuck in a elevator due to a blackout]

Monk: [pushing Emergency Call button] Lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby, lobby...

Person in Elevator: Sir, the power is out. That means you can't reach them.

Monk: ...Yeah, you're probably right. [Resumes pushing button] Lobby, lobby, lobby...

---

[during yet another blackout]

Monk: [stumbles and hits something] I cannot find my night-vision goggles. There is a fatal flaw in the night-vision goggle plan!

---

[Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at the criminal]

Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage! Turn them off!

Lt. Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

Mr. Monk Gets Fired [3.04]

[Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]

Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!

Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be. I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that. But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time. Put things back together. Sharona, I-I need it. I miss it, I-I miss it so much...

Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.

---

Monk: I solved the case!

Sharona: What are you doing?

Monk: I'm dancing a jig!

Sharona: That's not a jig.

Monk: What is it, then?

Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.

Monk: I'm back, baby!

---

Sharona: 74 percent is good enough for me! [tackles the Commissioner and wrestles to grab his toupee]

Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather [3.05]

[Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]

Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.

Sharona: That's my music.

---

[FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli.]

Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.

Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this. Ah, you see, these days...

[He pulls out a piece of paper.]

Colmes: We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.

[Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]

Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you. Number Three...

Sharona: What if you had to sit down?

Monk: Right. Good point. Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona.] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.

Lt. Disher: Number Five.

Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.

Sharona: That's only for women!

Lt. Disher: Oh! Right.

Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six. I'll... I can do that.

Colmes: Number Six? Great.

Monk: Not Four.

---

[Mob "associate" Vince insists on guarding Monk and Sharona.]

Vince: Uncle Sal told me [to] keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.

Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.

Sharona: You had a babysitter when you were nineteen?

Monk: Everyone did. It was the seventies; it was a crazy time.

---

[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]

Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.

Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?

Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

---

[Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]

Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.

Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane.

Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf [3.06]

[Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk. She is at Dr. Kroger's office.]

Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.

Dr. Kroger: Your father?

Sharona: Adrian.

---

Varla Davis: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK? You're afraid of milk?! My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!

Adrian Monk: You must be very proud of him.

Varla Davis: Yes, I am proud of him, not because of that, but because he's normal. You're not anything near that!

Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month [3.07]

[Monk steps on some bubble wrap on the ground at the crime scene and is compelled to pop it to make it even.]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Having fun?

Monk: No.

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to pop all of these?

Monk: No choice.

[Capt. Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]

Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb—

Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!

[He calls two more officers over]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.

[They keep popping for a few seconds.]

Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.

Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

---

[Sharona, Disher, Monk, and Stottlemeyer are in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse.]

Sharona: Tired?

Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.

Sharona: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.

Disher: She's not imaginary.

Sharona: [Sarcastically] Really? What's her name?

Disher: Crystal.

Sharona: [Sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?

Disher: No, it's Smith.

Sharona: You have a picture?

Disher: [Takes picture from wallet, gives picture to Sharona]

Sharona: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!

Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.

Sharona: That's sad.

Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models!

---

[Monk is late for dinner]

Sharona: So where is he, anyway?

Joe Christie: Last I saw, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.

Sharona: He's putting boxes away?

Joe Christie: [laughing] Yeah...

Sharona: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better go ahead and start ordering now, you know?

---

Joe Christie: [indicates the prize mug] What do you think?

Monk: I think Edna was killed over this mug.

Joe Christie: Really?

Monk: No.

Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.

Monk: Joe...

[He taps the mug with his pen. It's obviously ceramic.]

Joe Christie: Hey, you said try 300 theories until one fits.

Monk: I said that?

Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.

---

Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?

Monk: I'd kill someone not to get it.

Mr. Monk and the Game Show [3.08]

Monk: [on the phone with Sharona] He's in the kitchen, naming every egg salad sandwich he's ever had. Eight, including today. It's not funny, stop laughing.

...

Monk: Come back soon. And when you do, bring a gun.

---

[Kevin Dorfman and Monk are looking in a suspects house, and are debating whether they can go in]

Kevin: I know, I'll lean in.

Monk: What?

Kevin: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.

Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine [3.09]

Monk: I'm afraid... of change... and I'm afraid of not changing...

---

Sharona: I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?

Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.

---

Monk: I am so outta here.

---

Monk: Hey, you know what they say: wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

---

Sharona: Is it you?

Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]

Sharona: What happened to "The Monk"?

Monk: Trudy didn't like him.

Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10]

Dr. Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.

[Monk ponders this for a while.]

Monk: God help her.

---

[Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]

Nurse #2: What would my hours be?

Monk: Nine A.M....

Nurse #2: Until...?

Monk: Until one...

Nurse #2: One P.M.?

Monk: Until one of us dies.

---

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out why the intruders in Natalie's house wanted her marble fish]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?

Lt. Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?

Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody.

---

[Pursuing a suspect, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]

Natalie: Pretend you're in a funhouse.

Monk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!

...

Natalie: Okay, fetus ahead!

Monk: Ahhhh!

[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]

Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c— I can't go up there, I— ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman.

Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11]

Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.

Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.

---

[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]

Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!

---

[Monk has been buried alive.]

Stottlemeyer: All right, listen up! We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes.

---

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about four years ago? Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about. I flew to the airport, I landed, and I hailed a cab. Monk, I recognized the driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.

Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw, he used to be a Fed. He was a real player. He used to head the F.B.I.'s field office in Atlanta, right up until the 1996 Olympic Games.

Adrian Monk: The Plaza bombing?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy, Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.

Adrian Monk: What does this have to do with...?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.

Adrian Monk: [reads from the file] It's a match.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.

Adrian Monk: Yeah...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, *I'm* gonna end up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs.

---

Adrian Monk: [as Natalie is leaving] I'm about to solve the case. Aren't you interested?

Chris Downey: [sneaking up behind Monk] I'm interested. [knocks Monk out with a shovel]

---

[as Sonny Chow's coffin is opened]

Doctor: Hello...

Natalie Teeger: [covers her eyes] Oh, my God...

Doctor: We're so sorry to disturb you.

Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12]

Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.

Natalie: What are you talking about?

Monk: I don't know.

---

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "95 percent" crap.

Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?

[There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]

Monk: 95 percent.

---

[In the woods]

Monk: Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.

Natalie: We're...

[Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"]

Natalie: ...not lost.

Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!

---

[In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]

Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!

---

Monk and Disher: [simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened... [Monk and Disher start giving their summations simultaneously, with the camera jumping back and forth between each summation]

Deputy Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?

Stottlemeyer: Neither one.

Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13]

[Julie has to go to the bathroom.]

Monk: No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.

Julie: Really?

Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!

Monk: Best money I ever spent.

Julie: Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?

[about five miles later]

Julie: Here.

Monk: What's this?

Julie: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.

---

[Monk is getting onto the Korn tour bus so Julie can use the restroom.]

Monk: They spelled "Corn" wrong!

---

Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.

---

Monk: I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.

---

Monk: [to a Korn member] I like your socks.

Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]

Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14]

[Stottlemeyer has been rudely awaken by knocking at the door. Waking up from a hangover, he accidentally shatters a plate]

Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?

Disher: You threw them out the window.

Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?

Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.

Stottlemeyer: [takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [more pounding at the door] Coming. COMING! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole in the door, then turns to say] Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!

---

[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors, on the excuse of "because I'm cute".]

Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.

Natalie: It's a gift.

Monk: And a curse?

Natalie: No, just a gift.

---

[In Daniel Thorn's private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]

Natalie: What're you doing?

Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.

Natalie: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!

Monk: It's not going to get caught.

Natalie: W— Then you be the victim!

Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.

Natalie: I'm sure she was.

...

Monk: We have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: Don't... change... anything... ever.

Natalie: That's an old saying?

Monk: I've been saying it for years.

---

Daniel Thorn: Virtue is not one of my virtues.

---

Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?

Monk: Smarter!

Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15]

[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Capt. Stottlemeyer sets up protection.]

Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant...

[Stottlemeyer pins a "Vote Teeger" button on Disher's lapel.]

Stottlemeyer: ...thank you for volunteering!

Natalie: He's my bodyguard?!

Stottlemeyer: 24/7!

Natalie: I'm still not dropping out.

---

[Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]

Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.

Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.

---

[Monk and Harold Krenshaw cannot decide how to organize donuts in a box]

Stottlemeyer: Or I can do this.

[He folds up the box multiple times and over itself.]

Stottlemeyer: There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.

Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]

Monk: Where did he find it?

Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.

Monk: Maybe he hates cops.

Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.

---

[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]

Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?

Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?

Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.

Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.

---

[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]

911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?

Monk: Hurry!

911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.

Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.

911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!

[sound of Velcro ripping]

Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

---

Natalie: Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?

Monk: To protect his head.

Natalie: It must be so uncomfortable.

Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.

Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?

Monk: No.

---

[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]

Natalie: Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!

Tommy: Me separating food!

Season 4

Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01]

[A less-competent detective arrives at the crime scene with all the answers.]

Monk: He's cheating!

Stottlemeyer: Monk, this isn't the fourth grade.

Monk: He's cheating!

Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02]

Mary Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.

Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03]

[Natalie's cell phone rings]

Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.

Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.

Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.

Natalie: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.

Monk: It's Ebola.

Natalie: Excuse me?

Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk you do not have the Ebola virus.

Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.

Natalie: You have massive internal bleeding?

Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

---

[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]

Monk: I see letters!

Natalie: It's alphabet soup.

---

[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]

Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?

Monk: Humidifier.

Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?

Monk: De-humidifier.

[long pause]

Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?

Monk: Exactly.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04]

[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]

Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.

Monk: Give me the cards.

[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]

Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...

Natalie: Swear words?

Monk: Here's football.

[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]

Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.

Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.

Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.

Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?

[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]

Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.

Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.

[Long pause.]

Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?

Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05]

Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

---

[Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]

Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-like-a-moose.

Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06]

[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?

Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.

---

Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07]

[Natalie pins Theresa Scott, her brother's murderous new wife, to the floor]

Natalie: Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

---

[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]

Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.

Monk: I don't think so.

Natalie: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."

Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.

Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.

---

[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album]

Monk: She was... wow.

Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.

Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?

Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.

---

[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]

Natalie: Hey, is Parnell still dating that parole officer?

Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.

Disher: I have my own tux and everything.

Natalie: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kind of cute.

Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.

---

[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]

Natalie: Who is he?

Lt. Bristo: So far he's John Doe.

Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.

Natalie: Is he the driver?

Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.

Monk: Captain... he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.

Lt. Bristo: How do you know that?

Monk: [points] The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers.

[Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]

Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team.

Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08]

Sherry Judd: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?

Monk: April 12, 1972.

Sherry: You remember?

Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.

---

Mrs. Monk: Adrian!

Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.

Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.

Young Adrian Monk: Mom...

Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3:07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.

Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.

[He opens his arms to hug her.]

Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?

Young Adrian: Right, sorry.

[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]

---

Natalie: What was he like? As a kid?

Sherry: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.

---

Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.

Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.

Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.

---

[Monk and Sherry Judd look at a painting in an art gallery]

Sherry Judd: I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.

Adrian Monk: She is planning to murder him.

Sherry Judd: What?

Adrian Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.

Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?

Adrian Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]

Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.

Adrian Monk: It's awful.

Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09]

Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?

Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.

Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10]

Natalie: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it.

Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect.

Natalie: Damn!

---

[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing off over the water]

Natalie: What are you doing?

Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?

Natalie: Clothes. This is how I dress.

Disher: This is how I stand.

Natalie: This is how I dress.

---

[Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]

Monk: I'm on the list.

Security guard: Name?

Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.

---

Monk: Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up.

---

[Julian Hodge has been arrested for murder and he is being led away in handcuffs]

Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.

Natalie: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...

Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11]

[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]

Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?

Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.

Natalie: He's alive!

---

Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12]

[Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]

Natalie: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]

Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

---

Gerald Vengal: I'll never forget that face if I live to be 40.

Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13]

[Inspector St. Clare is outside the MacMillan Museum and Rufus pulls up in his van]

Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?

Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.

'Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.

Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys...

Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1, you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2, you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]

Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!

Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?

Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?

Dirk: Not anymore.

---

[Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. The victim was poisoned. Somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.

Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.

Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.

Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.

Natalie Teeger: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.

Natalie Teeger: [holds up file] Ka-ching!

Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.

Natalie Teeger: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.

---

[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]

Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.

Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.

Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!

Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?

Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.

Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?

Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.

Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?

[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]

Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.

Adrian Monk: What's going on?

Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.

Natalie Teeger: Whoa!

Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.

Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?

Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?

Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.

Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room]

---

[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]

Lt. Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?

Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]

Lt. Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?

Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.

---

Jenny Mandeville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?

Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]

Adrian Monk: Who is she?

Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?

Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.

Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.

Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14]

Natalie: [after convincing both Monk and Steve Wagner to speak at Julie's school] I'm gonna be class mom of the year!

---

Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15]

Lyrics to "Don't Need a Badge"

I'm tired of suckin' up.

I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.

Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.

Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.

But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.

Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.

I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.

I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.

I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.

It's been a long, long time cleanin' up the streets.

Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.

It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.

This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.

Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.

I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.

I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.

I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.

Well, I'm feelin' real fed up, so you'd better be aware.

I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.

Music is my savior, with that you must agree.

This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.

I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.

I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.

I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.

I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

This guitar here's my badge.

Rock 'n' roll set me free.

This guitar here's my badge.

You better not try to take it from me.

I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.

I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.

I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.

I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.

---

[Randy is at Dr. Oliver Bloom's office]

Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?

Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.

Dr. Oliver Bloom: I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.

Lt. Randall Disher: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.

Terri: He worries about me.

Dr. Oliver Bloom: I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 2 molar.

Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16]

[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]

Monk: Who is she?

Natalie: No I.D.

Monk: No idea?

Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.

Monk: No idea?

Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!

Monk: ...No idea?

Disher: No I.D.!

Monk: Why don't you check her identification?

Disher: NO I.D.!!

Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!

[long pause]

Monk: ...No idea?

Season 5

Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01]

[After being threatened by Ruskin, dressed as Monk, the real Monk shows up]

Jack Leverett: What are you guys, some kind of cult?

---

Dr. Kroger: And they canceled the movie [about you]?

Monk: He said he wanted to play a character who wasn’t so dark and depressing. [pause] He's in England playing Hamlet.

---

Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: [talking on fake cellphone] Uh look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had so you tell the mayor if he goes I go. [pauses] That's right. Lt. Disher! Lt. Disher, you got a minute? [A female Disher enters the room. The real Disher is very unimpressed]

Actress Playing Disher: [enters] Yes, Captain.

Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Uh, what the hell do I say? I got it. The victim, the victim just received a check for fifty thousand dollars. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?

Actress Playing Disher: I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.

[gets closer to Actor Playing Stottlemeyer]

Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?

Actress Playing Disher: I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain: following my instincts.

[She and Actor Playing Stottlemeyer start kissing]

The real Stottlemeyer: That never happened.

The real Disher: Not even once.

Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02]

Monk: The people woke up at five this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because it smelled like a buffalo died in the people's closet.

---

Monk: We'll burn down the whole city - and start all over again! Rebuild it, clean it! And we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.

---

[Monk is driving a lone garbage truck through the city.]

Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.

Stottlemeyer: You could say that. But don't.

---

Monk: It's no secret that rock stars collect antiques, especially antique chairs.

---

Monk: Now it's true that Alice Cooper is a hippie, but he's the bad kind! The kind that breaks into other people's offices, beats them up, shoots them in the head, and steals their antique chairs!

Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03]

[Trying to get Natalie to stand on his hands to look on top of a locker]

Monk: [Locks his hands] Up you go.

Natalie: What?

Monk: Take a look, check it out. Up you go.

Natalie: Up you go.

Monk: Up you go!

Natalie: Up you go!

Monk: Up you go!

Natalie: I'm just the assistant!

Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin meaning, "UP YOU GO!"

---

Principal Franklin: Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?

Adrian Monk: The same.

Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

---

Natalie: So you've never won anything in your whole life?

Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.

Natalie: Well, that's something.

Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.

Natalie: Well, at least you got invited to the party!

Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother.

---

[Monk, Natalie, and Julie are putting all of Monk's "Case Trophies" on his mantle.]

Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!

Natalie: Your mother would be so proud.

Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.

---

Captain Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.

Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [starts walking out of the Captain's office, but then turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.

Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding!

Natalie Teeger: Yeah. Joe Montana's going to be in town on Thursday. He's shooting some commercial. You want to meet him?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!

Natalie Teeger: Okay, you're not too busy?

Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.

Natalie Teeger: Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday. Julie will be here after school. Thanks! [grins, and walks out of the office, while Stottlemeyer looks on in astonishment.]

Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04]

[Stottlemeyer shows up at Monk's apartment]

Captain Stottlemeyer: Listen, Monk. I'm on my way over to the firehouse right now. I need you to come along.

Adrian Monk: What for? I gave the Lieutenant my statement.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know, but I just thought that you might see something.

Adrian Monk: Somehow I doubt that.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what I mean. Look, Monk, even in this condition you're still the best detective I know.

Adrian Monk: Nah, you don't mean that. You're just trying to cheer me up.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn't only about you, okay? This is a homicide investigation; a fireman was killed.

Adrian Monk: Rusty?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a standup guy. He'd been on that engine for 35 years, and I'm gonna nail the son-of-a-bitch that killed him, and you're gonna help me.

Adrian Monk: Leland, I can't! I can't-

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not asking you.

---

Monk: [his answering machine] Hello. This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep... I was talking about. [The beep happens]

---

[Stottlemeyer and Monk enter the morgue to check out Monk's suspicions on Eddie Murdoch]

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hello? [no answer] Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.

Adrian Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?

Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

Adrian Monk: Well, what do you see?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house. So you think the keys were still in his pocket?

Adrian Monk: Well, it's a long shot. Eddie Murdoch killed Stefanie Preston, there's no doubt about that. It wasn't his idea though. His boss paid him to do it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: So Breen was having the affair?

Adrian Monk: Exactly! He had keys to her house, and loaned them to Eddie Murdoch so Murdoch could sneak in and kill her.

Captain Stottlemeyer: He went back [into the fire] for the keys. That's what he went back for.

Adrian Monk: Right, and if we find those keys...

Captain Stottlemeyer: ...Mr. Breen's going to have a lot of explaining to do. [He lifts up the canvas over Eddie Murdoch's body] Got him. Hello, Edward! Don't get up! Uhh, they usually keep the personal effects in a plastic bag. [searching through the bag, he finds the keys] Ha-hahaha! Exhibit A - D.A.'s gonna love this! [Monk also feels the keys and the rearing horse keychain. Peter Breen sneaks up behind Stottlemeyer and knocks him out]

---

[Rusty tests Monk's smoke alarms]

Rusty: How many rooms do you have?

Monk: Five.

Rusty: Thirty smoke detectors for five rooms?

Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.

Rusty: I used to say, "You can't be too careful." I'm never saying that again.

[He hears a squeaking noise. He looks up and sees Eddie Murdoch walking into the firehouse]

---

[Stottlemeyer and Disher are sitting in the Captain's office at the police station, blindfolded.]

School for the Blind Teacher: This is what we call an empathy exercise. We use it to teach families and friends about what their loved ones are going through. How do you feel?

Captain Stottlemeyer: I feel helpless and out of control.

Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, me too. I feel disoriented.

School for the Blind Teacher: This is how your friend Adrian is feeling 24/7. He has to relearn everything, including things he's done a thousand times. For example, you spend a lot of time here at the station. You both probably know it very well. I want you to find the water cooler, and pour yourself a cup of water.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Piece of cake. [Stottlemeyer and Disher, blindfolded, head out of the Captain's office. Disher walks straight into a detective's desk.]

Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. [He stumbles along, eventually bumping into another officer's desk] Sorry!

[Stottlemeyer, meanwhile, walks around, feeling everything with the palms of his hands. He explains to a confused cop]

Captain Stottlemeyer: We're doing an empathy exercise. [He feels his way along the wall, and then accidentally bumps into Randy, who lifts off his blindfold]

Lt. Randall Disher: He's cheating!

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, how does he know I'm cheating unless he's cheating?

[Randy spots the water cooler, and walks over]

Lt. Randall Disher: I won.

School for the Blind Teacher: Lieutenant, this isn't a competition.

Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I know, but if it had, I would've been the winner.

[He pushes down on the nozzle, which the cup isn't lined up under]

School for the Blind Teacher: There's a trick you can teach your friend. If you stick your finger over the edge of the cup, it won't overflow. [Stottlemeyer quickly stops Randy from spilling any more water]

Captain Stottlemeyer: Miss Stein, you've never met Adrian Monk. He's not going to be sticking any fingers in any cups - he'd sooner die of thirst. The thing is, this guy's very fragile to begin with. I-I just don't see how he's gonna function at all.

School for the Blind Teacher: Then it's up to you to make him function. Get him back to work. That's the best medicine.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Back to work?

Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05]

[Natalie's desk phone rings]

Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk Investigation. What is the nature of your problem?

Adrian Monk: I'm been kept in a room against my will.

Natalie Teeger: You were kidnapped... uh, do you know who did it ?

Adrian Monk: Yes. It's my personal assistant, her name is Natalie... Teeger. [as he says that, the camera pans around Natalie to show Monk, talking on his desk phone]

---

Natalie Teeger: It took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it finally took off!

Adrian Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville! For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick.

[Linda Fusco enters the room, unseen]

Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?

---

Lt. Disher: You're the number one realtor in Northern California.

Linda Fusco: Tell me something I don't know.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

[pause]

Linda Fusco: Pardon me?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You said "tell you something you don't know" and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.

---

Natalie: You can't swim?

Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.

Natalie: You learned to swim by mail?

Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.

[He gives her a little card from his wallet.]

Natalie: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."

Monk: Can I have that back, please?

Natalie: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.

Monk: Hello, tsunamis?

---

[Before jumping off a boat to escape Jay Bennett, Monk quickly consults his card.]

Monk: "Don't panic"—forget that—"Breathe normally, flutter kicks..." [jumps]

---

Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.

Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?

Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.

Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?

Stottlemeyer, Disher, and Natalie: Uh...

Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06]

Adrian Monk: Natalie, I-I-I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just go.

Natalie Teeger: No, I'm not gonna let you go. You've been looking so forward to this.

Adrian Monk: I don't know what I was thinking. These people weren't my friends, okay? They don't even remember me. The truth is I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was always just "the guy with Trudy," just like you're the girl with me. [Natalie stops]

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield? [Indeed, the spit-shields have Monk's name on them]

Adrian Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.

Natalie Teeger: So you donated all these? That was so generous of you!

Adrian Monk: Well actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time. [Dianne Brooks sees them and walks over]

Dianne Brooks: Adrian, there you are. We've been looking for you. [She looks at Natalie rather suspiciously]

Natalie Teeger: Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger.

Dianne Brooks: [shakes hands with Natalie] Hi. Dianne Brooks.

Natalie Teeger: I'm his assistant.

Dianne Brooks: Oh, so you two aren't? [she points to Monk, and then to Natalie, as if to mean "dating"]

Natalie Teeger: No.

Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No-no-no-no.

Dianne Brooks: Ok. Where are you sitting?

Adrian Monk: Uh, we're not...

Dianne Brooks: Kyle and I are right over here. We saved you a seat. Fair warning - we brought a lot of pictures. [They start walking in that general direction]

Natalie Teeger: See, you have a friend!

Adrian Monk: Not really. She was Trudy's roommate, freshman year.

Natalie Teeger: But she saved us a seat.

Adrian Monk: Out of pity. These are what we call "pity seats".

---

[Monk remembers Dianne Brooks using his back as a writing desk, and tries to remember what she wrote.]

Disher: Can he do that?

Natalie: It's how he met Trudy! It's his superpower!

---

[Monk notices that a big wall of snow has built up inside the fridge in the student lounge]

Monk: I'm gonna need a spatula, a fan and a Bible.

[Cuts to Monk defrosting the fridge. Stottlemeyer walks in]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There you are.

Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was about to give up when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator. Who's Captain Cool?

[Two students walk past them]

First student: Captain Cool lives!

Second student: The return of Captain Cool!

First student: The Iceman cometh back!

[They head down the hall laughing to themselves]

Adrian Monk: Might be me. [turns and continues to defrost]

---

Lt Randall Disher: Captain. I tracked down [Henry] Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number One: it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He uh, got a waiver.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.

Lt. Randall Disher: Number Two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And Number Three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s so there's no record of him returning to the United States...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy? Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but could you repeat Number Two again?

Lt. Randall Disher: Okey-doke. Uh, he's dead.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right... [pause] See I probably would have stopped reading after Number Two. In fact I would have read Number Two first.

Lt. Randall Disher: You would have switched them?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.

---

Adrian Monk: One in a million. Maybe one in a trillion.

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, forget about the dog.

Adrian Monk: How could the same person have two dogs, 25 years apart, happened to be named Tangerine? Tangerine? And this Tangerine is black!

Natalie Teeger: Why would anybody lie about a dog's name?

Adrian Monk: I don't know, but... there is something weird about that guy. Dianne said that he couldn't wait to meet me, but he didn't even know I was a detective.

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! Let's have some fun! [snaps her fingers] You said you were gonna show me your dorm room.

Adrian Monk: It's right here, old #303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob! [there is a tie on the knob] My roommate and I did the same thing, it's a code.

Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think I might know about that.

Adrian Monk: Yeah, it means, "Don't come in! I'm reorganizing my closet."

Natalie Teeger: Your closet?

Adrian Monk: Yeah. My roommate in freshman year, Greg, he reorganized his closet 4-5 times a week.

Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. And did his girlfriend ever come over to help?

Adrian Monk: Oh yeah, all the time, they were real neat freaks. I used to tease them about it. "Neat freaks!"

Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07]

[After taking a bullet for Dr. Kroger]

Harold Krenshaw: Monk... Monk... Beat that!

---

Monk: I'm Adrian Monk, here to see Dr. Sorenson.

Receptionist: Fill this out.

Monk: It says to list your phobias.

Receptionist: That's right.

Monk: There are only five spaces.

Receptionist: You can use the back.

Monk: I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet, and repeats this a few more times]

---

Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I cannot continue to practice anymore after today. The police think that one of my patients killed Teresa Mueller. I should have seen it coming. I didn't; I missed it. This is all my fault.

Adrian Monk: This isn't happening. This can't be happening.

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I promise you I'll get you another doctor. I'll call you next week.

Adrian Monk: Okay! So it's not true! You're not retiring! I mean, you can't because... He can't retire...

Dr. Kroger: [to Natalie] This is step one in the grieving process: denial. [Monk comes back to Dr. Kroger]

Adrian Monk: Damn you, Charles! Damn you to hell! I hate you. I hate you! You are dead to me.

Natalie Teeger: That's not denial.

Dr. Kroger: No, that's step two, that's anger.

Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, we're all adults here. We can work this out. I can hire you full time, all right? Put you on payroll.

Dr. Kroger: This is step three, the bargaining. It usually doesn't go around this quickly.

Adrian Monk: Why me? Why is it always me? Everybody's always leaving me.

Natalie Teeger: Depression?

Dr. Kroger: Yeah, step four.

Adrian Monk: This can't go on. I mean, it's just too much. Okay, you're right. It's not the end of the world. I'll just have to find another doctor. I owe you so much. Thanks to you, I think I can get past this. Thanks, doc.

Dr. Kroger: And finally, step five, acceptance.

Natalie Teeger: Thank God that's over. [Monk walks over to another police officer]

Adrian Monk: He can't retire! The man can't quit because he's not a quitter.

Natalie Teeger: Wait, what's going on?

Dr. Kroger: I don't know. It's like he's starting all over again, like he's in a loop. [Monk peeps through the window blinds]

Adrian Monk: I HATE YOU FOR THIS, KROGER! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! You understand me? DEAD!

Dr. Kroger: I really should be heading home...

Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08]

[Stottlemeyer checks out a port-a-john]

Stottlemeyer: Did you put this up? [shows a handwritten "OUT OF ORDER" sign to the maintenance man]

Maintenance Guy: Not me, no.

Stottlemeyer: And it was definitely locked from the inside?

Maintenance Guy: Yes, sir. We had to jimmy it.

Stottlemeyer: [speaks into his walkie-talkie] He says it was locked from the inside. [Monk is on the hill, communicating with Stottlemeyer]

Adrian Monk: They could have rigged the lock. Over.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, it would help if you were to stand a little closer.

Adrian Monk: That's not going to happen. Over.

[By the barricades marking the crime scene, Kendra Frank asks Natalie]

Kendra Frank: So is this how he does it? From 100 feet away?

Natalie Teeger: Not all the time!

[Stottlemeyer looks inside the port-a-john]

Annoyed girl in line: How long are you going to be?

Captain Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.

Annoyed Girl: With only one cop?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, no it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop. [gestures to Monk] And this guy here's a police officer. [gestures to Randy]

---

[Monk angrily yells at some concertgoers whose blue beachball has hit him twice]

Adrian Monk: Cornea was scratched! Discoloration! I'm next for the phone.

[Monk mistakenly walks into an outhouse. He emerges a few minutes later, just as Natalie is passing by.]

Natalie Teeger: Oh! [runs over] Mr. Monk! What are you doing?

Adrian Monk: I was just calling for a taxi; they're going to pick me up out front in about ten minutes!

Natalie Teeger: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth!

Adrian Monk: No that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, it was that horrible, plastic outhouse! [Natalie starts to walk him away] Oh my god! What was I talking into?! [He begins to realize where he's been] Oh my god! Where, where did I put that quarter?! For the love of God, Natalie, where did I put that quarter?! [A maintenance man breaks open a porta-john door and the dead body of Stork Murray falls out]

Natalie Teeger: [gasps] Oh my god!

---

Adrian Monk: How long was I in there?

Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. Maybe a minute.

Adrian Monk: It was rough. It was like some medieval torture device.

Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I know. I actually read for the Spanish Inquisition. They used to lock people in port-a-johns.

Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me. [a stray blue beachball strikes Monk for the third time] Ow. Natalie, let's just go.

Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, we haven't found the Captain's son. [Kendra Frank comes up to them]

Kendra Frank: Excuse me. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective.

Adrian Monk: That's true. I am some kind of detective.

Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie for Trafalgar. [She shakes hands with Natalie and then with Monk. Monk then hands her a wipe] I was a friend of Stork's. I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.

Adrian Monk: Stork?

Kendra Frank: His real name was Greg Murray.

Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. And Stork is?

Kendra Frank: The roadie. The roadie they just found.

Natalie Teeger: Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry.

Kendra Frank: Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd, all right, but that's not possible. He's been clean for 17 months.

Natalie Teeger: But, Kendra, we were there. There was a needle in his arm.

Kendra Frank: That's how I know something's wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles. He was the only roadie I ever met that didn't have a tattoo. I mean he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated.

Natalie Teeger: Maybe he got over it.

Kendra Frank: You don't just get over a phobia like that overnight, do you?

Adrian Monk: [matter-of-factly] No, you don't.

Kendra Frank: So, please. They gave me his stuff. [She hands Stork's jacket to them] It's his tour jacket.

[Monk and Natalie search the jacket's pockets. They find a backstage pass and a map of the grounds]

Adrian Monk: Is this a map?

Natalie Teeger: Yeah, they gave one of these out at the door.

[Monk unfolds the map, and notices a marker on the acupuncture tent]

Adrian Monk: You said that he was afraid of needles?

Kendra Frank: Yeah, that's right.

Adrian Monk: He had an acupuncture appointment at 7:30 this morning.

---

[Noticing Randy in the crowd, Stottlemeyer calls him from a few feet away.]

Randy: [feigning illness] Hello?

Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. How ya doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.

Randy: Captain?

Stottlemeyer: Yep?

Randy: [fake coughs] What time is it?

[Long pause]

Stottlemeyer: Oh I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? Hey, what's that music I hear?

Randy: Oh, [fake coughs] it's my stereo. It's broken. I can't turn it down.

Stottlemeyer: It's LOUD!

Randy: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling.

Stottlemeyer: Sure.

Randy: I'm going to get up now and make myself some soup.

Stottlemeyer: Soup is good, fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.

Randy: Fluids. Okay, thanks for calling, Captain.

---

[Monk, Natalie, and Kendra Frank are questioning an acupuncture lady about her encounter with "Stork"]

Annie: Black bandanna and sunglasses?

Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it was this morning around 7:30.

Annie: I remember. He was my first customer. [pause] Oh was that the boy who died? The overdose? Heartbreaking. [to her patient] How does that feel?

Adrian Monk: Horrible. [Monk recoils as Annie inserts another needle into her patient's back. Kendra hands a photo to Annie]

Kendra Frank: Look, are you sure that's him?

Annie: He was a friend of yours. I'm sorry.

Natalie Teeger: Did he say anything?

Annie: No, not much. He just told me a story about how he met Eric Clapton.

Kendra Frank: [to Monk and Natalie] He loved Eric Clapton. [Annie is fidgeting around for something]

Annie: No....

[Monk attempts to straighten a needle on Annie's patient, and the patient promptly exclaims in pain]

Natalie Teeger: Detective!

Annie: And he dropped this. [She shows them an earring]

Kendra Frank: Oh my god. I made this earring! He loved this earring.

Adrian Monk: [reaches out to try to straighten the needle again, only for Natalie to swat his arm to the side] Did he say anything else?

Kendra Frank: Please, Annie, I have to know.

Annie: He asked me where could score some H.

Adrian Monk: Heroin. H. Starts with an "H," heroin. It's street talk.

Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I got it.

Annie: He said he was giving up; he wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles but he got over it.

Kendra Frank: I-I don't believe this!

Annie: Well I guess he's with Kurt, Jimi, and Janis now.

Adrian Monk: Who?

Natalie Teeger: I'll tell you later.

---

Annie: [about Stork] Oh, but before he left, he helped some kid, some poor girl. She had a beachball. She was having trouble with it so he blew it up for her.

Adrian Monk: A blue beachball?

Annie: Uh-huh. I think so.

Adrian Monk: Thing almost killed me. I hate that beachball.

Kendra Frank: So it's true. They were right, he OD'D.

Adrian Monk: I'm so sorry.

Kendra Frank: Well, thank you for trying.

[They start to walk away. Monk stops to try to touch a heat lamp over another patient]

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, no! No-no-no-no-no-no! That's 400 watts!

[Monk withdraws his arm, and starts to walk away, but cannot resist stepping back to touch it with his right arm. Natalie tries to restrain his right arm, but while she does that, Monk reaches his left hand over and burns his left pointer finger]

Adrian Monk: Ow! [before he leaves, he makes sure to burn his right pointer finger as well on the same bulb]

Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09]

Holding Cell Inmate: What are you doing?

Jack Monk: I'm speed-reading.

Holding Cell Inmate: What's your rush?

Jack Monk: I'm old.

---

Holding Cell Cop: Jack Monk, your son is here.

[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]

Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.

Stottlemeyer: Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.

Jack Monk: [covering] That man looks just like your mother!

---

Jack Monk: What I want? Two things. A: forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent and I was selfish, and I'm very sorry. And B is: get me the hell outta Dodge. But if you can only do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix in the morning.

---

Adrian Monk: He never loved me! He doesn't love anyone except maybe Jack, Jr.!

Natalie Teeger: Jack, Jr.?

Adrian Monk: His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!

Natalie Teeger: [aside] There's another brother!

Stottlemeyer/Disher: Whoa...

---

[Jack and Adrian's truck is careening down the hill, out of control.]

Jack Monk: I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!

Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father, look at Jack, Jr.!

Jack Monk: He's a putz!

Adrian Monk: What?

Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!

Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?

Jack Monk: No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.

Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10]

Monk: You know the old saying, "There's no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper."

---

Monk: He's not even a real leper!

Julie: Is he a leper-con?

Monk: What?

Julie: [Giggles] Is he magically delicious?

---

[Natalie has discovered that Dr. Aaron Polanski is a leper. She starts drinking a stream of very hot water out of her kitchen sink.]

Natalie: Julie, fill the bath tub with listerine!

---

[Julie is taking some french fries out of the oven]

Monk: No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.

Julie: Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!

Monk: You are mistaken.

Julie: Are you getting paid?

Monk: Of course I am.

Julie: How much?

Monk: I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?

Julie: $8.50 an hour.

Monk: An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.

---

[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the morning after he first meets Derek Bronson]

Natalie: Mr. Monk! All you did was shake the man's hand!

Monk: You're right. This isn't enough.

Natalie: You've been washing your hands for six hours!

[Monk takes out a can of kerosene, pours it all over his hand, and throws Natalie a lighter]

Monk: Light me. Light me on fire.

Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11]

Julie: [Referring to Monk's new friend, Hal Tucker] I like him.

Natalie: Me, too. I wonder what he's up to.

---

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm your friend.

Monk: Because I PAY YOU!!

Natalie: Not that much.

Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12]

[Monk faces an unplanned job interview with Paul Buchanan]

Paul Buchanan: All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?

Monk: I lost it.

Buchanan: You lost your resume. That doesn't bode well, does it? What's your name?

Monk: Adrian....

Buchanan: Adrian?

[Monk briefly glances at the spine of a copy of the book Moby-Dick, then looks back up]

Monk: Melville. Adrian Melville.

[Paul Buchanan notices the cleanliness of the room]

Paul Buchanan: What's with this place? I had friends over last night and the place was a mess.

Monk: While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.

Buchanan: I'm impressed. Very well done, Adrian Melville. Did you do this? [Referring to a jigsaw puzzle on the table]

Monk: Yes, sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Buchanan: What, in 20 minutes? I've been working on this puzzle for a month!

---

Paul Buchanan: Tell me, Melville, who have you worked for? Anybody I know?

Adrian Monk: Hmmm, I don't think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco... Stottlemeyers, Randy Disher, Dr. Charles Kroger...

Buchanan: No, I don't know them.

Monk: And Natalie Teeger.

Buchanan: Natalie? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me and wouldn't leave me alone.

Monk: Is that right?

Buchanan: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo?

Monk: She has a tattoo?

Buchanan: Well you wouldn't have seen it, not where she put it. [He takes a drink] Look, I'm having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It would make the afternoon a whole lot better.

Monk: I don't think... maybe.

Buchanan: Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut and my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that's good enough for me. Congratulations, you're my new butler.

Monk: I'm your butler?

---

[Monk is seen rearranging the table setting for the Buchanan estate luncheon in five days, with all the maids standing around him]

Mrs. Murphy: [hesitantly] Mr. Melville, it's 2:30 in the morning! We've been here all night! Luncheon isn't until Sunday afternoon, sir.

Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13]

[Monk lost control and attacked a radio shock jockey while on the air]

Stottlemeyer: Here's what I was thinking: Number One, it sounded like you got a few good shots in, I was proud of you; and Number Two, he sounded scared. Scared and guilty.

Natalie: He is guilty.

---

Adrian Monk: You know, Max, you look like you're out of shape. When you go to a restaurant, you don't use a fork. You use a harpoon.

Max Hudson: What?

Adrian Monk: You heard me. When you took your dog to the dog show, you won first prize, not your dog.

Max Hudson: [after long pause] Yeah, that's... not funny.

Adrian Monk: Yes it is.

Max Hudson: No, it's not.

Adrian Monk: You know who you remind me of? The hippie who came home and gave his dog fleas.

J.J.: Hippie? What year is this?

[short pause. A cricket chirping sound effect plays on J.J.'s computer]

Adrian Monk: Actually, you remind me of several different hippies. Like the hippie who moved into a new apartment and it was six months before he realized that there was no hot water.

---

Max Hudson: Howard Stern, if you're listening and I know you are, YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BABY!

J.J.: Down! [plays an explosion sound effect on his computer]

---

[Monk and Natalie arrive at Max Hudson's house]

Natalie Teeger: I don't like that guy either. He's such a bully. Have you ever heard his show?

Adrian Monk: What station is he on?

Natalie Teeger: 99.9.

Adrian Monk: Ah, so close.

Natalie Teeger: I just don't see how he could have done it. Have you seen this? So when Jeanette died, Max was on the air doing a live show, and the night before he was at a party in Los Angeles. He hasn't been home in two days.

Adrian Monk: I promised her sister I'd look into it. I had to; she was using up all my Kleenex. [They meet Linda Riggs at the front door]

Linda Riggs: I don't think he's home.

Adrian Monk: Did you tell him I was coming? [spots a welcome mat that says "GO AWAY"]

Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk. That's not for you. It's a joke.

Adrian Monk: Really? How's that funny?

Natalie Teeger: Well, I think it's funny because it says the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.

Adrian Monk: S-so it's an opposite joke?

Natalie Teeger: Yeah.

[a neighbor, walking his dog past the driveway, notices them]

Neighbor: He's not home! I live right over there. I saw him leave about two hours ago.

Natalie Teeger: That's a nice dog.

Neighbor: Thank you.

Adrian Monk: That's a nice cat. [force laughs unconvincingly]

Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14]

[Monk is seen getting off the bus.]

Monk: [talking to the driver] Thank you for letting me keep my bags with me. [pause] Oh, and is this where I get the bus to go back?

Driver: NO! [quickly shuts the door and speeds off]

---

Disher: Unless I'm wrong... which I probably am...

---

Monk: [referring to the farm] Look at all this dirt!

---

[Monk goes dancing with Sheriff Butterfield]

Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Loosen up! What are you afraid of?

Monk: Well... pretty long list.

Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15]

Monk: It's enough to make me LOL... out loud.

---

[Julie is seen teaching Monk about computers.]

Julie: Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse.

Monk: I know that, I haven't been living in a cave.

Julie: And this is a mouse pad...

Monk: Wow! It is so rubbery!

---

[Stottlemeyer mentions to Agent Thorpe that his equipment is severely outdated]

Captain Stottlemeyer: You're wrong about Adrian Monk.

Agent Thorpe: Am I?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. I know he's a little strange, and he can be difficult. But I can tell you of at least twelve different cases where all of the evidence...

Agent Thorpe: Captain Stottlemeyer, you're looking at a half a billion dollars worth of equipment. Are you trying to tell me your funny little friend is smarter than all of this?

Captain Stottlemeyer: [smiles without flinching] Yes, I am.

---

[Randy sings his song "I Don't Need a Badge" out of tune and key]

Captain Stottlemeyer: There's a flaw to your plan.

Agent Thorpe: What?

Stottlemeyer: The first person that attacks him might not necessarily be your serial killer. It may be me.

---

Stottlemeyer: This is a complete waste of time, you know that.

Agent Thorpe: Did you say something?

Stottlemeyer: Yeah. I said, "Monk is right, sir." I have never read one of these "psychological profiles" that meant squat, particularly if it was created by one of these gizmos.

Agent Thorpe: These "gizmos," as you call them, are going to catch our killer. Mark my words.

---

[When the "serial killer" makes a break for it, Stottlemeyer grabs FBI Agent Keao's custom-made PDA and throws it, catching the killer in the back and knocking him to the ground.]

Stottlemeyer: Hey! You were right, one of your gizmos caught the killer.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital [5.16]

[A man is being pushed in on a stretcher, with bandages on his head]

Monk: HEY! I WAS HERE FIRST!

Receptionist: He has a head wound.

Monk: I have a head wound!

Receptionist: That is not a head wound, it's a nosebleed.

Monk: I happen to believe this very well might be a head wound.

Season 6

Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1]

[Natalie tries to convince Monk to take part in an SFPD bachelor auction.]

Natalie: Don't you want to be a team player?

Monk: No.

Natalie: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?

Monk: Sure.

---

[Marci plays with dolls representing herself and Monk in a diorama of one of Monk's past cases.]

Marci: "Adrian. Should we call the Captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car."

[Marci picks up a small yellow-haired doll and throws it across the diorama.]

Marci: [in falsetto] "On my way, Mr. Monk."

Natalie: Is that me? [Picks up the doll.] It's a troll doll.

Marci: Huh.

---

Monk: It's possible—there's a chance—she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.

[Marci trots towards him with her arms spread.]

Monk: [shrinking away] Clue hug?

Natalie: Take it like a man.

---

[Marci's dead dog Otto is being framed for a murder]

Marci Maven: You're the detective, you figure it out! You do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut-and-dried, and then you come in and do your thing, like in "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School"—oh, you remember that one?

Adrian Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?

---

Natalie: After all, you're only human.

Monk: There's no need for name-calling.

Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2]

Monk: What's up, Killa?

---

Murderuss: What is this, good cop, demented cop?

---

Monk: Let me give you the 4-1-1—that's the information.

---

Disher: [raps out an excerpt from the song Car Bomb by Murderuss] I put the bomb in the limo, that's where the surprise is/Under the seat, like Oprah giving prizes! Sound familiar?

Murderuss: Not the way you do it.

---

Murderuss: [To Disher] You gotta be the whitest white boy I know. And I've met Kevin Costner!

Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3]

Peter Magneri: He threatened me once—at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.

Adrian Monk: He’s a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.

---

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Arlene Boras about why she killed her roommate]

Arlene Boras: You don't have any...

Natalie Teeger: ...Proof? [shows Peter Magneri's X-ray] Mr. Monk found this. It was behind the toilet.

Adrian Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!

Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4]

[Monk and Natalie tell Randy about their suspicions about Linda Fusco]

Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.

Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?

Natalie Teeger: What? No!

Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.

Lt. Randall Disher: What? There's no way, Monk.

Natalie Teeger: [annoyed] Am I in love with you?!

---

[Monk and Natalie are talking to Randy to see if he has any ideas on how to beat Linda Fusco's alibi]

Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.

Lt. Randall Disher: There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.

Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?

Lt. Randall Disher: My crazy theories, like what?

Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?

Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?

Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.

---

Adrian Monk: [pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.

Adrian Monk: I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.

Helen Hubbert: Who is that?

Adrian Monk: I'm with the FBI [pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [pause] screen.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...

Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.

Adrian Monk: Yes, he, I am.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!

Adrian Monk: Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.

Helen Hubbert: How, how?

Adrian Monk: How?! We're the FBI, that's how!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!

Adrian Monk: And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!

Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty.

[Monk and Natalie walk away]

---

[Linda is showing Natalie around an apartment]

Linda Fusco: Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.

Natalie: Oh, he does something every Wednesday.

Linda: It's Thursday.

Natalie: And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.

Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5]

[Monk notices that Dewey Jordan wiped his feet before entering the house]

Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?

Disher: You wiped your feet.

Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.

---

[Natalie is begging Monk to give Julie "the talk"]

Monk: When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...

Natalie: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.

Monk: Huh?

Natalie: ...In this particular case.

---

[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]

Adrian Monk: [loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...

Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?

Adrian Monk: [whispering] What are you doing?

Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?

Adrian Monk: Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry] [Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.

Julie Teeger: It's just... how did you know?

Adrian Monk: All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."

Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?

Adrian Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...

Julie Teeger: Until I find Trudy?

Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.

---

Natalie: Tim, I've been waiting a long time to say this: Here's what happened...

---

[Stottlemeyer leads a handcuffed Rob Sherman to a patrol car. Randy has a backup of the disk with the photo of Julie and Tim Sussman that prominently features Sherman and Dewey Jordan in the background]

Randy: Backup disk. Oh, and I had them print off a copy.

Stottlemeyer: [takes the photo and tells Sherman] Ah. You and your friend take a very nice, very incriminating picture.

Randy: I also had them print it on a mug. [shows the mug]

Stottlemeyer: What for?

Randy: Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much." [takes an imaginary sip from the mug] "Mmmm, guilty."

---

[Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?

Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.

Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!

[Disher presses play on the tape]

Lt. Randall Disher: Look. [uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?

Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]

Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk. [walks out of the room]

---

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's go over it again.

Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK, husband Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.

Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?

Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...

Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.

Lovely Rita: Anytime.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.

Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.

Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right.

Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.

Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]

Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.

Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake? Who are you?

Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.

Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.

Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6]

[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]

Ridley: How old do you think she is?

Troy: 34, maybe?

Ridley: That's twice my age.

Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!

---

[Monk and Troy are playing 20 Questions while trapped in Troy's car after Steven Connolly buries the car under a pile of gravel]

Monk: Mineral. It's a mineral.

Troy: [Pause] Is it gravel?

Monk: [Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!

Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7]

Kindergarten Teacher: They wanted to give you this. [hands Harold and Joey a poster from the kids]

Little Girl: It's a picture of you!

Harold Krenshaw: That's me, huh? [looking at the sketch of him on the poster] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!

Joey Krenshaw: I'm surprised you can stand up!

[They laugh together]

Harold Krenshaw: [noticing an unusual bridge-shaped object on the poster] And what is that?

Little Boy: The Golden Gate Bridge.

Harold Krenshaw: Really! What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [to the kids] What's the matter with you? [takes a Sharpie and draws suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge]

Harold Krenshaw: NOW it's a bridge.

Joey Krenshaw: It's basic physics.

Kindergarten Teacher: They're only six years old.

Harold Krenshaw: They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.

Joey Krenshaw: [notices an unusual looking thing in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!

Harold Krenshaw: Yeah! It looks like Mothra. Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey make a scene imitating the screaming from Mothra, startling the two kids]

Kindergarten Teacher: [nervously] You're on the school board?

Harold Krenshaw: Yeah. [Joey takes a call on his cell phone. It's his uncle's doctor.]

Joey Krenshaw: Hello?

Dr. Levine: Mr. Krenshaw?

Joey Krenshaw: That's right.

Dr. Levine: This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. You might want to think about coming home to say goodbye.

Joey Krenshaw: How long does he have?

Dr. Levine: Five days, maybe a week. I'm sorry, sir.

Joey Krenshaw: Thank you, doctor. [He walks back over to Harold, who in this time has written all sorts of comments over the kids' poster] All right, kids, you've got your notes. Why don't you go back to school and try again? [Hands the poster over to them]

Harold Krenshaw: That was nice. Who was that [on the phone]?

Joey Krenshaw: Cousin, that was money calling, endorsement money. You ever heard of Neptune Energy Bars?

Harold Krenshaw: No.

Joey Krenshaw: Well, they've heard of you. They want to pay you $10,000 to be in their next commercial. Yeah, they're on a tight schedule. They need to shoot tomorrow morning. You think you're up for it?

---

[Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search.]

Randy: First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".

Stottlemeyer: "Tsunami"?

Randy: Silent "T".

Stottlemeyer: What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".

Randy: What's the difference?

Stottlemeyer: It doesn't... The "T" is silent.

Randy: It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".

Stottlemeyer: All right. All right. Let's go.

Randy: Second letter, "P" as in...

Stottlemeyer: ..."P" as in "Paul".

Randy: No.

Stottlemeyer: Too late. I typed it. "P".

Randy: Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.

Stottlemeyer: That's how who does it?

Randy: Society. We live in a society.

Stottlemeyer: Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for 10 minutes!

Randy: Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".

Stottlemeyer: "L".

Randy: As in... No, we'll come back to that one.

Stottlemeyer: No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [the phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers.] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.

Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man [6.8]

Mr. Monk Is Up All Night [6.9]

Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10]

Monk: Oh, I hate Christmas.

Julie: How can you not like Christmas?

Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.

Julie: But it's so joyful!

Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!

---

[Monk confronts Michael Kenworthy on the roof for disrupting traffic]

Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?

---

Monk: [referring to why Santa Claus did not leave fingerprints] He was wearing gloves! Santa Claus gloves!

---

Monk: [trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.

Natalie: I'm sure you can.

---

Dr. Kroger: So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?

Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.

Monk: Pick a year.

Dr. Kroger: Uh... 1964.

Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.

Dr. Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...

Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.

Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11]

Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.

Monk: Stone mason, huh?

Stottlemeyer: No. Prostitute.

---

Randy: [holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?

Monk: Have you?

[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]

Dr. Kroger: Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?

---

Monk: [about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.

Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?

---

Monk: We sure showed him.

Natalie: Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.

Monk: Oh, God! Did you stop that check?

Natalie: Yeah, I already called the bank.

Monk: We sure showed him.

Natalie: Yeah, we did.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12]

[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]

Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.

Natalie: No, you are not!

Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.

Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.

---

Natalie Teeger: [spots Randy, who has frozen still as he practices to become a Living Statue] Randy? What are you doing? [no response. Natalie blushes] Hello? Are you all right? [She walks in a circle around him, but he is still frozen] Oh, my gosh... tickle, tickle, tickle! [tickles Randy hoping that he will react] All right... [starts to walk away, then turns back and jumps off the floor and onto Randy's shoulder. He still doesn't move!] I'm gonna take these two pencils, and I'm gonna stick them up your nose. [puts one in one nostril] Pencil number one. [puts one in the other nostril] Pencil number two. [Still no response from Randy, who now looks like a frozen walrus with pencil tusks] Our tax dollars at work.

---

[Disher tries to question a Living Statue performer with no success]

Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [the Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [pause. Still no response] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [pause. Still no response] OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh. I get it. [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.

[the Living Statue's alarm goes off, and he steps off his pedestal, indicating that it's his break time]

Living Statue Performer: It's my break, man.

Lt. Randall Disher: Well, thank you. That's more like it.

Living Statue Performer: [groans] This is my job. I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [screams] in your face, huh? [He yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.

Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?

Living Statue: Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.

Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see his face?

Living Statue: He had his hood up. Sorry.

Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?

Living Statue: Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw...

[his break alarm goes off, signalling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]

Lt. Randall Disher: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? [No response. Disher laughs for a second] No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Don't. Don't do that. [pause] Hey, we're not done here. What did you see?

Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13]

Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?

Dr. Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

---

Natalie: Randy, I need to ask a favor...

Disher: The answer is yes.

Natalie: I need a gun.

Disher: The answer is no.

---

Disher: What if he has a knife?

Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble...

Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"

---

Julie: You were a child once, right?

Monk: Very briefly.

---

Monk: [after Disher turns up a promising lead] What about your other idea? You said you had two.

Disher: Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.

Stottlemeyer: [looks at the DVD in Disher's hand] The Terminator? You think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?

Disher: Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.

Stottlemeyer: [with an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent] Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live.

Disher: Uh, that was T2. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher get in the elevator]

Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town.

Disher: Can I have that back, please?

Stottlemeyer: [still imitating] And things of this nature...

---

[Natalie has basically wrecked Stottlemeyer's car after borrowing it]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.

Natalie Teeger: I took a shortcut. I cut across the creek.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [bewildered] There's no bridge across the creek.

Natalie Teeger: I know.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.

Natalie Teeger: Yes, I know.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no bridge across the creek.

Natalie Teeger: Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's okay. It's insured. [tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]

Lt. Randy Disher: Uh, remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.

Natalie Teeger: Here. [She tries to bang the hood down a few times. Due to the fact that it has crumpled up, it won't fit completely. She and Randy walk away]

Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece [6.14]

[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?

Adrian Monk: Outside.

Natalie Teeger: Well, what if it rains?

Adrian Monk: Then your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.

Natalie Teeger: [notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!

Adrian Monk: I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!

---

Natalie: I did some research on your art friend, Mr. Monk, and nothing came up.

Monk: But he's... rich! Rich people are ungooglable!

---

Lt. Randy Disher: [Accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!

Stottlemeyer: Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.

Bennie Wentworth: What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?

Randy: Sorry.

Bennie Wentworth: You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.

Natalie Teeger: It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?

Bennie Wentworth: I know. I can tell. Look. [picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!

Randy: $40 bucks. No way.

Stottlemeyer: [to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?

Bennie Wentworth: Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.

Randy: I'm not paying for it!

Adrian Monk: What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?

Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.

Adrian Monk: He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.

Bennie Wentworth: Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.

Adrian Monk: The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?

Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. An eclectic spree?

Natalie Teeger: Do you have any enemies?

Bennie Wentworth: None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [points at Randy accusingly].

[Benny makes another attempt at reasoning with Randy]

Stottlemeyer: Randy, give him five bucks.

Randy: Fine.

[He takes out his wallet and hands Bennie Wentworth five bucks]

Monk: I wonder what happened to his partner.

Stottlemeyer: What partner?

Monk: It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.

Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks. [Disher starts to walk away] Randy! Your bike!

[Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him]

---

[Natalie is carrying Monk's ugly portrait of her and about to throw it onto the burning pile of canvases]

Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]

Natalie Teeger: Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!

Lt. Randall Disher: [holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.

Natalie Teeger: Exhibit A?!

Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!

Natalie Teeger: You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.

[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy once more.]

Natalie Teeger: Ow! Burn it! BURN IT!

Lt. Randall Disher: [grabbing Natalie, and turning to the other cops] Grab that painting!

Natalie Teeger: [shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!

Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 1 [6.15]

Monk's lawyer: Your Honor, my client is not a flight risk. For fourteen years he served the City of San Francisco honorably as a police officer. He still has friends in the department, some of whom are here today and prepared to testify on his behalf. I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.

---

Monk: I didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!

Sheriff Rollins: Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.

---

Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.

[Monk whispers to his lawyer]

Monk's lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?

Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

---

Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...

Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?

Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16]

Monk: Hey, thanks. Thanks for killing me.

Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.

---

[Natalie tracks Monk to the car wash where he is hiding]

Monk: [trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I know it's you.

[she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]

Monk: What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?

[She hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]

---

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to his manicurist] I've been dreaming about you. Have you ever dreamed about me?

Manicurist: Sometimes.

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?

Manicurist: I doubt it.

---

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Are you having fun?

Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.

---

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!

[Monk and Natalie walk away]

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!

Monk: Oh, yes you are.

Season 7

Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01]

[In Dr. Bell's waiting room]

Natalie: Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-e-v-e-n. It's a palindrome. That's a good sign!

Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.

Natalie: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.

Monk: It was to me!

---

[While trying to fix an off-centered lamp in Monk's new house, "Honest" Jake Phillips finds a problem]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.

Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What uh-oh?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Your wires are all frayed. The connection is rusted.

Adrian Monk: What does that mean?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: It means you're not up to code, my friend. This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here...

Adrian Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.

---

[Jake reassures Monk that he won't make too big a mess]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Don't worry. You won't even know I was here. [cuts to Jake punching all the way through the wall with his hammer. He stops] Uh-oh.

Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What now?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: I do not like the look of this. OK we've got a problerino - it's what we call a glitch. See this pipe? That's your primary water line. [taps the pipe with his hammer] It's corroded.

Adrian Monk: Of course it is.

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Almost all the way through. Could burst any time. [turns to Monk] I-I-I thought that you got this place inspected.

Adrian Monk: I did.

"Honest" Jake Phillips: What? Was the guy blind in both eyes? Look, Adrian, I've got to be honest with you, because I respect you. This whole section's gotta go. [He points to the various objects] As well as this wall, this wall, and this half of the floor.

Adrian Monk: Wha-What about the other half?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: That's gonna have to come up, too.

---

[Monk and Natalie notice the awl on "Honest" Jake's toolbelt, and on close examination, realize that it is the weapon that was used the night before to kill Cassie Drake. They turn around and see Jake and Ramone standing there, with Jake holding a gun]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. Monk, I've got a confession to make: they really don't call me "Honest Jake".

---

Monk: You didn't know me before I met Dr. Kroger. I-I was a little messed up.

---

[Monk has found evidence that proves that Cassie Drake killed Joseph Moody]

"Honest" Ramone: So, you are a, ah, detective?

Natalie Teeger: No, he's the best detective in the world.

Adrian Monk: Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?

---

[Jake is on his ladder and removing the mounting for an off-centered lamp]

Adrian Monk: Careful.

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Oh, so you're kind of a nervous Nellie? I've got a cousin like you. He makes coffee nervous.

---

["Honest Jake" and "Honest Ramone" are cutting down one of the walls. They stop when Jake finds some unusual wires]

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.

Honest Ramone: What?

"Honest" Jake Phillips: Gotta find out what these are, too. They probably go up over there. [Ramone puts down his axe and picks up a saw. He goes into the living room, and cuts a rectangular peephole. Monk and Natalie duck to avoid being pierced by the blade.]

Honest Ramone: Hey Jake. Can you see me? [chuckles]

Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02]

[first lines]

Adrian Monk: [writing a check] "Payable to... Natalie Teeger."

Natalie Teeger: My four favorite words. [Monk starts to slowly tear the check out of the book. Eventually, he gets it and hands it to Natalie] Thank you.

Adrian Monk: Thank you very much. [Natalie stops]

Natalie Teeger: Um, excuse me. Where's the rest of this? I worked Tuesday night, remember. That was overtime.

Adrian Monk: I thought you were just hanging out.

Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't "hanging out". I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer. That was a work.

Adrian Monk: But, you said it was fun. I-I distinctly remember. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh," so...

Natalie Teeger: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is that the new rule?!

Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to. I've already torn it out of the checkbook.

Natalie Teeger: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah, so you just void it out. Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one.

Adrian Monk: Natalie! I can't do that. If it were up to me...

Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!

Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.

Natalie Teeger: Oh my god! [yells in frustration] God!

Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track...

Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!

[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip]

Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.

Natalie Teeger: Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.

---

[Monk needs to enter the chess tournament to confront Patrick Kloster.]

Julie Teeger: All right, wait here.

[She approaches Eric Tavela and begins talking to him, touching his jacket...]

Adrian Monk: What's she doing?

Natalie Teeger: She's... flirting.

Adrian Monk: Well, she's good at it...

Natalie Teeger: Shut up.

Adrian Monk: She's obviously done it before...

Natalie Teeger: Okay.

---

[while Monk and Natalie are on their little stakeout, Patrick Kloster comes by and offers them water and lemonade, respectively]

Natalie Teeger: You have to admit, he's real good. [takes a sip from her lemonade] What? He was right. I am thirsty. [Monk is looking at her oddly] What?

Adrian Monk: How do you feel?

Natalie Teeger: Uhhh, I feel fine. [Monk is still looking at her oddly. She takes another sip] What?

Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need. [Natalie spits out the lemonade that is in her mouth, then dumps the rest of her cup onto the pavement]

Natalie Teeger: It just occurred to you?! And you didn't say anything?! My gosh, Mr. Monk, I've never seen you like this!

Adrian Monk: How do you feel now?

Natalie Teeger: You know I hate to disappoint you, but I feel fine!

Adrian Monk: [offering his bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.

Natalie Teeger: Okay that's it. We're going home. [She starts the car and they start to drive away]

Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Stop the car.

[starts opening his door]

Natalie Teeger: Wait? What are you doing?

Adrian Monk: Just stop the car!

[Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards the Kloster estate]

Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?

Adrian Monk: His garden.

Natalie Teeger: His garden?!

---

[Monk and Natalie are staking out Patrick Kloster's house from their car]

Natalie Teeger: "In chess, as in life, creative strategies, executed with daring and precision, will allow you to overwhelm your opponent, and achieve your goal." The end, and may I say, "Thank god."

Adrian Monk: Keep going. Here's the next one.

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we've been reading his books all day. What good are they doing?

Adrian Monk: I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head. So we're... in each other's heads. [Natalie sighs and opens the next book]

Natalie Teeger: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [flips to the dedication] "For my queen, Tatianna."

Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication. [Flipping another page, Natalie finds Linda Kloster's check]

Natalie Teeger: Okay. What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?

Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.

Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me. [holds the check up]

Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.

Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made to her about him not getting away with it?

Natalie Teeger: You made a promise to me, too.

Adrian Monk: [through the car mirror, he notices Patrick Kloster approaching them] Shhh, there he comes. [They both panic. Monk puts on his seat belt.] Oh my god.

Natalie Teeger: He's coming! What do we do? [thinks about it, then blurts out] We should kiss! No, I didn't say that! I wasn't thinking, I never said that! [Patrick comes up to the car]

---

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure. [pause] Fine, good. You sleep on it! [slams the phone down]

Adrian Monk: How did that go?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.

Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]

Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call. You'd better put down the cup.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.

Lt. Randall Disher: Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why?

Lt. Randall Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]

Natalie Teeger: What happened?

Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]

Adrian Monk: Let's go.

Natalie Teeger: Wait, Mr. Monk-

Adrian Monk: Let's go! We gotta get over there!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's go, Randy.

---

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]

Lt. Randall Disher: According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?

Patrick Kloster: That's right.

Lt. Randall Disher: And they said you kept playing, and that you finished the match.

Patrick Kloster: Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.

Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.

Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.

Patrick Kloster: Did she?

Adrian Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.

Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.

Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable.

Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was. [turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.

Natalie Teeger: You know, she didn't look sick to me.

Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. She was also quite depressed.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?

Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.

Lt. Randall Disher: [starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."

Patrick Kloster: Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.

Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03]

[Stottlemeyer notices something in Randy's notebook]

Stottlemeyer: What's that? [Randy shows it] "It looks like her number came up."

Randy: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl, her number came up. Remember that time last year? When Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamppost and he said "I'll keep you posted?"

---

Detective: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown. [pauses] I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?

Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up!

[Randy throws his notebook at him.]

Officer Kelton: Hey! What are you doing?

Randy: What are you doing? That was my line, man.

Officer Kelton: What are you talking about?

Randy: I just said the same thing three seconds ago! Ask the Captain.

Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a crime scene. [Randy steps over the body of Marissa Kessler to confront Kelton]

Randy: You know what, he must have heard me. Look, it's written in my notebook: "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook.

Officer Kelton: Look, I didn't write it down. I just thought of it.

'Randy: [disbelief] Whoa-whoa-whoa. Can you believe this guy? You know, I'm gonna have your badge, Officer... [Stottlemeyer grabs him]

Stottlemeyer: Come on, Shecky, let's walk it off.

---

[Natalie signs off after her first night drawing the lottery numbers]

Natalie: So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto. [pauses] You'll thank me later!

Monk: "You'll thank me later?" That's my line. I say that.

Randy: Hurts, doesn't it?

Stottlemeyer: [tearing up some fan mail] You know I might as well flush twenty bucks down the toilet once a week.

---

[Monk confides to Dr. Bell that Natalie's position as a lottery hostess is interfering with her other position as his assistant]

Adrian Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted.

Dr. Neven Bell: Insulted?

Adrian Monk: What I do is hard! I am out there, I am sweating out every clue. I am putting killers behind bars. What does she do? What does she do?! [He grabs a calendar off the desk with the date "July 16" on it] 91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 9- I mean, how hard is that? You know a talking monkey could do her job. It's embarrassing.

Dr. Neven Bell: Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.

---

Dr. Neven Bell: But I see your point about the monkey.

Adrian Monk: All I'm trying to say is... it's not the same Natalie. If you knew her you wouldn't know her! Last night after the show, she got somebody fired.

Dr. Neven Bell: Fired?

Adrian Monk: One of the crew, sound guy. There were some wires on the floor, and she was just like [snarls with the look of a mad creature] you know, complaining.

---

[Monk puts one of Malcolm O'Dwyer's eyeglasses in an evidence bag]

Adrian Monk: Do you want to put it in this evidence bag? [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it, and then, in an approximation of Natalie's voice, he says] Bag #32. Hey! 32! Thirty two! 3-2. 32! [Natalie, who is signing autographs, stops signing and walks over to confront Monk]

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me? In public?! I don't make fun of your job!

Adrian Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here, too.

Natalie Teeger: Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.

Adrian Monk: [with an authoritative tone] You are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim...

Natalie Teeger: Some other what? "Bim" what?!

Adrian Monk: [mulls it over] Bimportant person.

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, do you think I'm a bimbo?! Okay, maybe what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet but what do I do for you? Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention. I guess I needed it.

Adrian Monk: Well I'm sorry, but I can't work like this. So you're going to have to choose.

[He gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line]

Natalie Teeger: OK, then I guess I quit.

Adrian Monk: [relieved] Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.

Natalie Teeger: No I quit you. I quit us.

[Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her]

---

[Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer are looking around the late Malcolm O'Dwyer's apartment]

Captain Stottlemeyer: What a shame. Just a kid. At least he didn't hit anybody when he jumped.

Adrian Monk: Are we sure he jumped? [Stottlemeyer hands him the "suicide note"] "Tired of losing." Not much of a note.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Brevity, the soul of wit.

Adrian Monk: But he was a writer. Look at all these letters. No, there is something weird about this.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, look around you. That note's probably the least weird thing in this apartment. This is the birthplace of weird.

Adrian Monk: But why today? This guy was a lottery nut. Isn't tomorrow night the big jackpot?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, he probably knew he wasn't going to win which makes him a whole lot smarter than me. [Monk picks up a contact lens case, and notices something] What have you got?

Adrian Monk: A contact lens case... with only one lens. [He accidentally gets some contact fluid on his hands] Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe. Give me a wipe.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't have a wipe.

Adrian Monk: Ju-just... give me a wipe.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie? [cuts to Natalie signing autographs downstairs]

---

Natalie Teeger: [upon noticing a bus with her image on it] I can't believe this is really happening!

Adrian Monk: I can't either. [Natalie steps forward and starts to try to clean a smudge off the cheek on her image on the bus] I hate to bring this up, but, we've got work to do. Remember your predecessor Marissa Kessler? Murder victim? Multiple stab wounds? Does that ring a bell? [Natalie steps back]

[They continue up the street]

Adrian Monk: OK, Randy and the Captain are probably already there. It should be just around the corner. It's #24.

Natalie Teeger: [stops, and in her lottery mode] 24. 24! 24!

Adrian Monk: [agitated] Are you done?! [She snaps out]

Natalie Teeger: Okay, let's do this. Who was he? Like, her ex-boyfriend?

Adrian Monk: No! No the ex-boyfriend had an alibi! He checked out! Oh wait. That's right, you weren't at the meeting this morning.

Natalie Teeger: But I had to shop for a dress! I can't wear the same thing every show. I had to wear the same dress three times last week! Three. [enters lottery mode] Three. Three tres. Three...

[Monk snaps her out again. You can tell he's getting pretty agitated]

Adrian Monk: Hello?

Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry. Just remind me.

Adrian Monk: Okay, his name is Malcolm O'Dwyer. He's some kind of lottery fanatic. He wrote a bunch of fan letters to Marissa before she was killed. [As they approach a corner, a cab stops and the driver says]

Cab Driver: Hey! I'm a big fan!

Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.

Cab Driver: Not you! The lotto girl! "You'll thank me later!"

Natalie Teeger: That's not actually my line! Mr. Monk said it first! [The cabbie speeds off, as traffic has started to back up behind him]

Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04]

Ray "The Machine" Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.

Lt. Randall Disher: The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.

[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.

---

[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive to question Frankie Marino, head of the Marino crime family]

Captain Stottlemeyer: We're looking for Charles Bach.

Frankie Marino: Bach?

Lt. Randall Disher: The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?

Frankie Marino: Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?

Lt. Randall Disher: No. [To prove that he isn't, he opens his shirt and jacket, then drops his pants]

Frankie Marino: [to Stottlemeyer] What about you?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope.

Frankie Marino: Okay, let's talk.

Lt. Randall Disher: Why did I just get undressed?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.

---

Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.

Monk: Good. I'll get more money, won't I?

---

[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]

Disher: You should have just kept it all in the basement.

Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant, it's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.

Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?

Daniel MacGraw: In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

---

Adrian Monk: I am the beast!

---

Randy: It's a tough racket. I've done a little boxing myself. Light Middleweight.

Stottlemeyer: When did you box?

Randy: Remember the benefit for the Police Athlete League? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO left uppercut.

Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."

Randy: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.

Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.

Randy: And he used it.

Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05]

Adrian Monk: Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.

Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist. Don't even joke about it!

Adrian Monk: Why not?

Natalie Teeger: Because I love America.

---

Monk: I'm pretty sure he killed himself.

Natalie: How'd you know?

Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.

---

Monk: We're going down! I mean, we're going down more.

---

[Monk and Natalie are trapped in the ballast tank while Commander Whitaker attempts to drown them with a lot of dives]

Adrian Monk: Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!

Adrian Monk: You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!

Natalie Teeger: What?!

Adrian Monk: I've got ocean... in my pants! [The water has gotten to just above Monk's feet]

Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.

Lt. Randall Disher: [shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy

---

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [comes to Leyla's apartment with a search warrant, and upon entering, he notices that Monk is wearing only a bathrobe] Here's something I never thought I'd say out loud: Where are your pants?

---

[Monk and Leyla Zlatavitch are at a Zemenian restaurant with hibachi type tables. As the man prepares their dinner in spectacular fashion, he catches a bit of it in his hat]

Adrian Monk: I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.

Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07]

[about Monk]

Lt. Randy Disher: Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...

James Novak: Like what?

Lt. Disher: Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...

Natalie Teeger: [ticking off on her fingers] Crowds, elevators, fire...

Lt. Disher: Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...

Natalie Teeger: Boats...

Lt. Disher: Decaffinated coffee...

Natalie Teeger: Lightning...

Captain Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind.

Lt. Disher: Egg whites.

Natalie Teeger: Bad.

Lt. Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.

---

James Novak: [about Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?

[long pause]

Monk: I can't die until I know.

---

Ralph "Father" Roberts: Do I remember Adrian Monk? That's like asking the Titanic if it remembers the iceberg.

---

[Monk's friends and relatives describe his reaction to Trudy's murder]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I saw him coming apart, like those rockets that hit the atmosphere at the wrong angle... and there was nothing I could do.

---

[A SWAT team arrives at Douglas Thurman's studio]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Doug Thurman! SFPD! [They break down the door and quickly clear out every room]

Lt. Randall Disher: Clear! [They go into the next room] Clear!

[In the main room, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]

Lt. Randall Disher: I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.

First SWAT Officer: The what?

Lt. Randall Disher: Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [leaves the room]

---

[James Novak interviews Hal Tucker ("Mr. Monk Makes a Friend"), Jimmy Belmont ("Mr. Monk Visits a Farm"), and Joey Krenshaw ("Mr. Monk and the Daredevil")]

Hal Tucker: Well, killing my girlfriend [Gail Segalis] was the easy part. The hard part was pretending to be Monk's friend for a week.

Jimmy Belmont: You ever hear the man try to tell a joke?

Joey Krenshaw: It's like verbal root canal.

Hal Tucker: Excruciating.

---

[last lines]

Adrian Monk: [roaming through newspaper headlines] TV writer found dead after contract dispute.

Natalie Teeger: Creepy.

Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08]

[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman, her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar...[Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.

[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge.]

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.

Adrian Monk: Aw, do I have to?

Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. You're the boss.

Adrian Monk: [getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.

Natalie Teeger: You want to run around?

Adrian Monk: Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!

Lt. Randall Disher: We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Any questions?

Adrian Monk: Yeah. What if we win?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] What do we win?

Adrian Monk: If we find the body?

Lt. Randall Disher: You don't win anything.

---

[The main characters are waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house. Disher passes out pieces of gum]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? [turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?

Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I made it myself.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the gum?

Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, from a kit... I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.

Natalie Teeger: [making a face] Tar?

Lt. Randall Disher: No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]

Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09]

Monk: Bums make their own gravy.

---

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [motions towards a bottle of a health drink]

Adrian Monk: What is it?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, it tastes like chalk.

Natalie Teeger: What's in it?

Adrian Monk: [reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...

---

Julie Teeger: So, why do they call you the Professor?

Natalie Teeger: Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...

The Professor: I eat books.

Natalie Teeger: Oh.

---

[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station and they notice that Randy has grown a mustache]

Natalie Teeger: What is that?

Lt. Randall Disher: What?

Natalie Teeger: On your face. On your lip.

Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit about a mustache.

Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.

Natalie Teeger: You're making me a little uncomfortable.

Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10]

[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it, and grabs the phone with his other hand.]

Adrian Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.

"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?

Monk: Who do you think?

Joe: No, wait! You don't want to do that!

Monk: I don't, huh?

Joe: No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!

Monk: Give me one good reason.

Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!

---

Stottlemeyer: Are you crying?

Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?

Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11]

[Monk notices one of Dean Berry's square tomatoes in a glass case]

Adrian Monk: Is that a square tomato?

Sarah Longson: Yes it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmer can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.

Adrian Monk: So, so, that means every slice is exactly the same size?

Natalie Teeger: How does it taste?

Adrian Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato. You're doing the Lord's work.

---

[Monk is using one of the lab's square tomatoes for a sandwich]

Monk: [in bliss] I can taste the symmetry!

---

[Monk has been shot]

Dr. Levinson: Are you a fighter, Mr. Monk?

Monk: [weakly] No.

---

[Monk and Natalie arrive at John Kuramoto's house while searching for Dean Berry's bicycle]

Natalie Teeger: Maybe he's out riding his bike.

Adrian Monk: No, he's right in there. Playing video games, eating junk food. What are we doing here?

Natalie Teeger: The right thing.

Adrian Monk: [bangs on the door with his elbow] Hello? Johnny? Open up, it's-it's Encyclopedia Brown! Sally and I want our blue bike back! [sheepishly] And the name of your decorator. [sighs] You're not in trouble, nobody's gonna press charges. We just want the bike!

Natalie Teeger: [whispers to Monk] Try again.

[Kuramoto fires at them through the door, and Monk takes a bullet in his left leg]

---

[After Monk gets shot, Stottlemeyer and Disher scramble to find Kuramoto, and late at night, they interrogate his cousin Vince]

Lt. Randall Disher: You don't know where he is? Well, you're staying at his house, Vince.

Vince Kuramoto: Hey, man. I'm just crashing at his place for a few days. He's my cousin. Do you know where all your cousins are?

Lt. Randall Disher: Where do you think he is, Vince?

Vince Kuramoto: [loudly and clearly into the microphone, emphasizing every word] I don't know. [hits the microphone. Stottlemeyer puts the microphone back upright]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Tough guy, ehh? [shows the bullet in an evidence bag] Look at this. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.

Lt. Randall Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.

Vince Kuramoto: Former what?

Lt. Randall Disher: Former cop shooter.

Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?

Lt. Randall Disher: No. He shot someone who used to be a cop.

Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?

Lt. Randall Disher: I did, it's the same thing.

Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing at all, it's not even close. [Stottlemeyer cracks]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh for God's sakes! What are you two, married or what?! Look, it's not complicated, Vince! If you know where your cousin is and you're not telling us, [lowers his voice and points his finger at Vince] that makes you an accessory after the fact.

Lt. Randall Disher: For aiding and abetting!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For attempted murder, which is a very very *VERY* long goodbye! Let me put it this way: your parole officer? He hasn't been born yet.

Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12]

Adrian Monk: What's the catch?

Dr. Neven Bell: With what?

Adrian Monk: With Marge, what do you suppose she's after?

Dr. Neven Bell: Uh, Adrian—

Adrian Monk: Every time somebody wants to be my friend, it turns out they're after something. They have an angle!

Dr. Bell: Not necessarily.

Adrian Monk: How could somebody—how could anybody—love me unconditionally? I mean, come on, you met me!

Dr. Bell: Adrian, I know you've been burned in the past, but you have to trust people. See, there's not always a catch.

Adrian Monk: Then how do you explain this? There's always a catch.

---

[Monk surveys the jewelry store robbed by John Keyes the night before]

Adrian Monk: The killer wore a ski mask, ergo the killer was afraid he'd be recognized, ergo the killer must have worked here recently.

Lt. Randall Disher: Ergo the Killer. Is that Hungarian?

Captain Stottlemeyer: His name isn't Ergo, Randy.

Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13]

Bob Costas: The cat was trying to kill me!

---

[Monk and Stottlemeyer are at a tailgate party]

Monk: Who are all these people, and where are their parents?

Stottlemeyer: It's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.

Monk: But they're... they're not actually playing in the game.

Stottlemeyer: Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just got to turn your mind off. You do have an off-switch, right?

Monk: I don't think so.

Stottlemeyer: Well, here, you can borrow mine. Beer: Nature's off switch.

---

[Monk learns about the Condors/Wildcats rivalry]

Stottlemeyer: They're Wildcat fans, Monk. It's a big rivalry.

2nd Rowdy Fan: Two years ago they put a bag of bees in my car.

Chet Walsh: Yeah, then his mom spat on my mom, then we flipped his RV. God, I love football!

---

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You used to be a fun guy.

Adrian Monk: I don't think so.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. No, I remember. I remember the time when you graduated, right? We stole that rowboat, you, me, and Trudy. And the Lake Patrol stopped us and you started speaking Spanish. Now, that was funny! That was funny! Where's that guy?

Adrian Monk: Trudy died.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, Trudy died. But you didn't die. You're alive.

Adrian Monk: "Alive" is a funny word.

---

[Stottlemeyer and Monk head towards the gates, leaving Disher to brief some cops on David Gitelson's murder]

Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, hey, tell Bob Costas "Randy Disher says hi".

Captain Stottlemeyer: Does he know you?

Lt. Randall Disher: No.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, then, wouldn't that just confuse him?

Lt. Randall Disher: Only one way to find out.

---

Adrian Monk: Uh, you have a.. you have a smudge there. What happened there?

Shawn Metzger: What happened? I don't know. Do you remember every little smudge you ever got on your clothing?

Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I do.

Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14]

Dr. Neven Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?

Dr. Neven Bell: Yes, more or less. Yes.

Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at 1:00 PM, when my head is in the man's toilet.

---

Roderick Brody: I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?

Natalie Teeger: Funny crazy.

Adrian Monk: [at the same time] Sad crazy.

Roderick Brody: [confused] Which is it?

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [takes out a notecard and reads from it] "Roderick Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you."

Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?

Natalie Teeger: No I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... tortured him.

---

[Monk and Natalie walk into a bar while retracing Marilyn Brody's route]

Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me.

Adrian Monk: Hi. We're looking for this woman.

Bartender: You a cop?

Adrian Monk: No, no. Just an old friend.

Bartender: Haven't seen her.

Adrian Monk: OK. [After a few moments, Monk pulls a dollar bill out of his wallet and puts it on the counter] Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory.

Bartender: Is that a dollar?

Adrian Monk: [winks] Okay, I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are... [puts a dime on the bill, waving his hand over it like he's doing a magic trick] two General Washingtons. [The bartender walks away] Where's he going? [Monk puts the dollar bills back in his wallet] You've got to admire the guy. He's incorruptable.

Barfly: Hey. She's right over there. [Monk and Natalie turn around and see "Marilyn" and her lover in a back table]

---

[Monk pulls out his old camera]

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what is that? Is that your camera? Where did you get that?

Adrian Monk: It's a birthday gift.

Natalie Teeger: From who? Thomas Edison?

Adrian Monk: It's from my Nana.

Natalie Teeger: Is there actual film in it?

Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it. [looks around his surroundings] Okay, I have three pictures left. There's not enough light. [takes out a flash cube]

Natalie Teeger: Is that a flash cube?

Adrian Monk: [popping the cube on] Bingo. Hold this. Hold it. [He then stands a spoon on its handle and polishes it]

Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?

Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. We use it as a mirror. [Natalie holds the spoon upright as Monk positions himself]

Natalie Teeger: [whispering] Hurry up! Take the picture!

[The flash goes off, and both Monk and Natalie wince their eyes to try to counteract the brightness of the light].

Barfly: You like that spoon, huh?

Natalie Teeger: Sir, um, would you mind taking our picture, please?

Barfly: Madam, I would be honored.

Natalie Teeger: [hands him the camera] Oh, thank you. Here you are. It's all ready to go!

Barfly: Hey, I've got the same model myself. A gift from my Nana.

Natalie Teeger: And if you could just stand right there. [positions herself and Monk] Okay. Can you see us?

Barfly: I got ya.

Natalie Teeger: And if you could stand right there. [She repositions Monk] And on the count of three. One, two, and THREE!

[On three, the camera flash goes off. She and Monk duck to either side during the flash and come back up.]

---

[Natalie shows up at Monk's apartment with a new digital camera]

Adrian Monk: Is it a good one?

Natalie Teeger: Yeah.

Adrian Monk: It looks good. [looks at the woman on the box] She looks happy with it.

Natalie Teeger: Yes she does and she's very hard to please.

Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingy?

Natalie Teeger: Uh, it has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.

Adrian Monk: Built in? Excellent! [takes a scalpel and slowly cuts an incision into the box]

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery.

Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by 8:00 AM, we can follow her all day.

Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, uh, Mr. Monk, I wanted to tell you something. I made a decision: if you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right, although it really isn't, but I can't help you anymore.

Adrian Monk: Why not?

Natalie Teeger: I-I-I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us.

Adrian Monk: It's what they call pro bono.

Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!

Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance.

Natalie Teeger: No, no! That is just crazy talk! [She switches off the lamp on Monk's table. Monk turns it back on]

Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk.

Natalie Teeger: "Pro bono comeuppance"?! That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said. He wants you to quit!

Adrian Monk: I wanted him to quit! I begged him to quit 40 years ago, in stall #3! [He finally opens the box] Oh yeah. [As he says that, Natalie takes a call on her cell phone]

Natalie Teeger: Hello? Yes, he's right here. [She is told that there's been a murder at the Avalon Hotel] The Avalon? Sure, we know it. We were just there. Okay, what's his name? [She learns that the victim is Douglas Fendle] Oh my god!

Adrian Monk: Why, what happened?

---

[Monk and Natalie are at Douglas Fendle's hotel room]

Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You were right about karma. It is *fantastic*.

Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie. Thank you so much for coming. I was just doing a bit of dumpster diving down there. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, what do you think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk blushes] Are you happy?

Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?

[Randy whispers to Stottlemeyer]

Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? You know this guy? [gestures towards the bedroom and Fendle's dead body]

Adrian Monk: No, not technically...

Natalie Teeger: [overlapping Monk's words] Never formally introduced. Never met him face to face.

Adrian Monk: ...We've sort of been following him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.

Adrian Monk: Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.

Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?

Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.

Adrian Monk: Wouldn't exactly say friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.

Adrian Monk: I know I'm getting even.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, your pal - you told your pal about Fendle. And you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk makes a gesture that suggests "yes"] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]

Natalie Teeger: Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a third party or a lawyer... [Monk cuts her off]

Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Disher starts to write down the name and address] No that "O" looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y. Roderick Brody.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's go talk to him.

[They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]

Adrian Monk: Prison swirlies.

---

[Roderick Brody is being questioned at the police station]

Roderick Brody: You didn't have to drag me down here. You could've talked to me in my office.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'm more comfortable here. I got my own coffee mug. I've got the AC set just the way I like it.

Roderick Brody: Yeah, but can I at least call my wife?

Lt. Randall Disher: Well we already called her. She's on her way.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So let's start at the beginning. You knew Mr. Monk from the neighborhood. You hired him to follow your wife, he told you about Mr. Fendle, told you about Fendle and the hotel...

Roderick Brody: Yeah, but it wasn't my wife. The woman you saw in that bar, it wasn't Marilyn. It couldn't have been.

[Monk stands up and paces in front of Roderick]

Adrian Monk: Well I told you about Mr. Fendle and then two hours later, Fendle was dead. It looks pretty bad, Roderick.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, skipping ahead, eight o'clock last night?

Roderick Brody: I told you. I was at home with Marilyn. We rented a movie.

Adrian Monk: What's the matter, Roderick? You look a little... flushed. [pause] Get it?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, Monk, we'll take it from here.

Lt. Randall Disher: Flushed?

Adrian Monk: He gets it. Trust me. He gets it. [pause] I'll bet the room is just swirling all around you. Just swirling all around. Your whole life is about to go down the drain. Wait, I have more. [pulls out an index card] "Your thoughts are overflowing..." [Natalie pulls the card from his hand]

---

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have broken into the Brody house just in time to stop Marilyn's sister from drowning her]

Randy: How do we tell them apart? [Marilyn coughs up salt water] Say "aunt."

Stottlemeyer: Randy? Let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.

---

[last lines]

Adrian Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling. Toilet tank of life.

Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.

Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.

Natalie Teeger: Plato said that?

Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm going to need that shower cap back.

Natalie Teeger: OK.

Mr. Monk and the Magician [7.15]

[At Kevin's funeral, Monk and Natalie are looking at a photo of Kevin]

Adrian Monk: That's a nice picture.

Natalie Teeger: I took that picture.

Adrian Monk: Oh.

Natalie Teeger: Took me two hours. I wanted to get one where he wasn't talking.

Adrian Monk: Ha, well, you did it.

Natalie Teeger: Actually, I had to Photoshop it.

---

[Experimenting with one of Torini's knives, Monk checks to see if it's a real knife or not by using it on Natalie. She immediately yelps as soon as the blade contacts her]

Natalie Teeger: Ow!

Adrian Monk: OK, this one might be real. Don't play with this one.

Natalie Teeger: All right, I won't.

[Monk notices something nearby]

Adrian Monk: What is that? [He walks over to the cabinet to examine it, and suddenly Torini's voice comes booming over the loudspeaker]

Karl Torini: [over the speakers] It's called a Zig Zag Cabinet. I designed it myself. [Monk starts to examine the Zig Zag Cabinet more closely] Please step away from the cabinet, Mr. Monk. Secrets of the trade, you know.

[Monk and Natalie spot a machine producing fog in the other room. After a few seconds, the camera angle switches to show that Torini has magically popped into view behind them. He clears his throat, and they both turn around]

Natalie Teeger: How did you do that?

Karl Torini: Misdirection, Ms. Teeger. The secret to every illusion.

Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16]

Lieutenant Disher: [Eating a hot dog] What's that, beef or pork?

Vendor Al: We use... "meat" [makes air quotes with his fingers].

Natalie: Wh— why do you say it like that?

George Gionopolis: We are required by law to put it in quotes.

---

[about two murdered tourists]

Disher: Okay, well, they were tourists. Probably German.

Stottlemeyer: Really? Why do you say that?

Disher: Because they were German.

---

Randy: [examining the bodies of two dead tourists] I, uh, talked to a clerk at a hotel. They were staying downtown at the Best Western. He said that they were a pretty quiet couple.

Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they look pretty quiet.

Randy: Yeah, but they weren't this quiet. I mean, before last night they were just regular quiet, like, when they checked into the hotel.

Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know what you mean. I was trying to be wry.

Randy: Oh, sorry, my bad. Do you want to say it again?

---

Monk: [in an unsanitary hot dog factory] I was buried alive once.

Natalie: Yeah, I remember.

Monk: I was in a box. I was underground for three hours. And that box is now the second-most frightening place I've ever been.

---

[Harold opens a city hall meeting by speaking about the late Councilwoman Eileen Hill]

Harold Krenshaw: As you all know, we lost a dear friend this week. Eileen Hill's body was discovered earlier this morning. Let us pray that the San Francisco police catch her killer and bring him or her to justice. Or if they don't catch him, let us pray that Eileen's murder was the work of a random nut job, or frustrated ex-boyfriend, and not some kind of masked vigilante who, for some reason, has a personal vendetta against the city council, and is determined to slaughter us, one member at a time, picking us off when we least expect it, using a different, yet somehow appropriate method for each of his grisly killings! Amen.

Season 8

Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1]

Kim Kelly: It's $1000 per week.

Monk: Okay, but I can't pay it all at once.

Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2]

Samuel Waingaya: Can you reach into my pants?

[Long pause]

Monk: Yes...

Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3]

Monk: [lost in the desert] You win, dirt! Congratulations, dirt! Well played!

Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4]

Monk: I'm whacking somebody else in Pasadena later. I already bought the bullets.

---

Monk: [to a nearby couple at an outdoor cafe, after he shoves Harold Krenshaw] What the hell are you looking at? Finish your Shirley Temple!

---

Monk: [looking at a glass of iced tea] Looks like BM.

Disher: It's iced tea.

Monk: Heat it up.

Disher: So, you want tea?

Monk: No, I want warm iced tea!

---

Disher: That's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.

Stottlemeyer: Who says that?

Disher: People... and their doppelgängers.

---

Monk: [Undercover as Frankie DePalma, a hit man] Frankie don't dance.

---

[Lola has learned that "DePalma" has a new girlfriend]

Lola: What was her name?

Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie Teeger...b. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]

Lola: Teegerb?

Adrian Monk: With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. it's French Canadian.

---

[Stottlemeyer's reaction when Monk uses a variant of Natalie's name in conversation with Lola]

Stottlemeyer: Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb."

Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5]

Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6]

[Monk sees the immaculately clean men's room at the theater, complete with attendant.]

Monk: This is the men's room?

Gilson: Mmm-hmm.

Monk: How long has this been going on?

---

Monk: I just went to the bathroom.

Natalie: [astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?

Monk: It was magical.

---

Natalie: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.

Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.

Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7]

Natalie: It's Voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!

---

Monk: We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-Voodoo explanation for everything.

---

[Stottlemeyer notices that Monk is less superstitious about voodoo than Natalie is]

Stottlemeyer: Wait, let me get my head around this: you are the level-headed, brave one now?

Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8]

Disher: He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.

Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.

Disher: That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.

Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?

Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider?

Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.

---

Disher: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.

Stottlemeyer: There is no "Opposite Killer"! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!

---

Harold Krenshaw: Here's what happened...

Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9]

Voice: Hands up! Any final words?

Natalie: Yes, I have something I wanna say. Happy birthday, Mr. Monk!

Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10]

[Stottlemeyer warns Monk about how working with both Natalie and Sharona is dangerous]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together they're like bourbon and vodka. I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.

Adrian Monk: I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.

---

[Monk, Natalie and Sharona try to argue as to the best way up to Perry Walsh's ninth floor apartment]

Natalie Teeger: How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights.

Adrian Monk: Yeah, that sounds fair.

Sharona Fleming: Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk four flights.

Adrian Monk: Can't argue with that.

Sharona Fleming: You treat him like a child.

Natalie Teeger: He's not a child.

Sharona Fleming: I did not say he's a child. I said you're treating him like a child.

Natalie Teeger: Oh, I'm being supportive.

Sharona Fleming: No, you're not being supportive. You're enabling him. [Monk interrupts]

Adrian Monk: Okay, here's what we gonna do. We're going to take the elevator up to 18 and walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable. [as a consequence, they show up at Walsh's apartment practically out of breath]

---

Natalie Teeger: Well, he can't go too far. He can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.

Sharona Fleming: Or that special red toothbrush.

Natalie Teeger: Or his little flossing kit.

Sharona Fleming: Or the sound machine with that foghorn noise.

Natalie Teeger: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.

Sharona Fleming: Really? What did you do?

Natalie Teeger: I went out and bought an actual foghorn and made my own tape. I'm not kidding. I have an actual foghorn sitting in my garage.

Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.11]

[At Natalie's family reunion picnic.]

Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?

Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.

Anne Marie: Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?

Adrian Monk: ...Yes. [referring to himself] I've met him once or twice.

---

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [talking to a search party] Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.

Lt. Randall Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.

---

Lt. Randall Disher: Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.

Adrian Monk: How?

Lt. Randall Disher: She could bark at him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.

Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?

Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.

---

Natalie Teeger: [examining a painting] Could be a lover?

Adrian Monk: How do you figure?

Natalie Teeger: Well, he's naked, and, uh... lower right corner?

Adrian Monk: Oh. Oh! Oh, I thought that was the signature.

---

Adrian Monk: [about Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.

Lt. Randall Disher: Like?

Adrian Monk: Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.

Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.12]

Natalie: It's not too late to back out.

Monk: Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.

Natalie: Well, at least try to have some fun.

Monk: Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.

---

Monk: I don't know how you do it.

Randy: What's that?

Monk: How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.

Randy: Mmm, it used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. And it hurt, you know? I almost quit.

Monk: What happened?

Randy: One night I got a call - a P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "Happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I mean, I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.

Monk: I guess I should read more bumper stickers.

Randy: [yawning] Everybody should. Okay, it's late. I'm gonna to go sack out.

Monk: Yeah, good night.

Randy: See you in the morning.

Monk: Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?

Randy: Yeah, it was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor-trailer head on. He and his wife were both DOA [Dead on arrival].

Monk: And this was the car that had the bumper sticker, "Happiness is a choice"?

Randy: Yeah, that's right. Well, actually, it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.

Monk: And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?

Randy: [shrugs] It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose where you get it. I mean it could come from a guru on a mountaintop, or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.

Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13]

[about his fiancee, T.K. (the "T" stands for Trudy)]

Stottlemeyer: Listen, are you all right with this? I mean, about her name...?

Monk: Oh, sure! I think it's great! Everybody should have a Trudy in their life.

---

Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.

Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.

Stottlemeyer: Exactly.

---

[Joy, a bubbly flower shop owner, matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates," then turns to Monk and matches him with a cactus]

Joy: I found it. This... is your flower.

Natalie: It's plastic.

Joy: Mmm-hmm.

[Monk takes a sniff of the "flower."]

Monk: I love it.

---

[TK has called off the wedding.]

Stottlemeyer: Monk... it's over.

Monk: Well, I'm not giving up! It's going to work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.

Stottlemeyer: She's my answer... where did you hear that?

Monk: Trudy used to say it... my Trudy.

Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14]

Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15]

Trudy Monk: It won't be much longer...

---

Doctor: [to Monk] Someone is trying to kill you. And they may have succeeded.

---

Monk: Randy, I'm not pregnant. Just dying.

---

Doctor: Now, you're going to feel normal for a while and then there's gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.

Monk: [disbelief] Vomiting?

Doctor: Followed by death.

Monk: [still in shock] Vomiting?

Doctor: And then death.

Monk: Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?

---

Judge Ethan Rickover: His name is Adrian Monk. He'll put two and two together eventually and this case, two and two equals me. It would get rather personal. He'd come after me, try to kill me. He'd probably succeed. Because... twelve years ago, I killed his wife.

Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16]

Trudy Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which I probably am...

---

Trudy Monk: [on a farewell message] If anything happens to me, Adrian, I just want you to know: you are not just the love of my life. You are my life.

---

Judge Ethan Rickover: You're going to kill a federal judge?

Monk: Tonight, I'm the judge.

---

Natalie: [to Monk] Trudy sent you a gift. She sent you someone to love. It's what you've been missing.

---

[Randy is on the phone with someone]

Disher: All right, I'll call you later. [hangs up]

Stottlemeyer: Who was that?

Disher: That was the Deputy Commissioner.

Stottlemeyer: Deputy Commissioner Patrick Watson?

Disher: Yeah, that's right.

Stottlemeyer: You said, "I love you."

Disher: I do... love him. I think he's doing a great job. Why? Why? You don't think he's...

Stottlemeyer: No, I think he's doing a fine job. I don't tell him that I love him.

Disher: Well, maybe you should. It's just common courtesy.

Stottlemeyer: It's not common courtesy.

Disher: Well, I think you're doing a great job. I love you.

Stottlemeyer: All right, Randy, I'm sorry I asked. When you're ready to tell me what's really going on, don't.

---

[last lines of the series following up on the first episode of the series]

Natalie: What are you doing?

Monk: Just checking to make sure the stove is off.

Natalie: Good thinking. You wouldn't want to go all the way across town with your stove on.

Monk: I know. That actually happened to me a few years ago...

Recurring quotes

• Monk: It's a gift... and a curse.
• Monk: You'll thank me later.
• Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...
• Monk: Wipe.
• Monk: I don't know how he did it. But he did it.
• Monk: I just solved the case.
• Monk: He's the guy.
• Monk: I know how he did it.
• Monk: Here's the thing...
• Monk: Here's what happened...
• Monk: That's what this whole thing has been about.
• Monk: That doesn't make much sense. Hardly any, in fact.
• Monk: We've been looking at this all wrong.
• Monk: What are the odds of that?
• Various characters: You can't prove any of this.
• Various characters: [to Monk] How do you know that?

TV Spots

Monk: A Tribute

Sam Axe: You know, a couple of my FBI buddies were telling me about this guy up in San Francisco who was really cleaning up the streets... and, of course, now I know that they meant that, um... literally.

Shawn Spencer: Monk? Sure, I know that guy! I went parasailing with that guy.

Burton "Gus" Guster: No, you didn't.

Shawn: I built sand castles with him.

Gus: No, you didn't.

Zach Nichols: Monk is masterful. I have a picture of him on my refrigerator. I sit at his feet.

Marshall Mann: Like an actual monk, he embodies the realization of his true nature.

Mary Shannon: ...What?

Shawn: We were roadies for Hüsker Dü together...

Gus: No, you weren't!

Hank Lawson: I invited Monk out to the Hamptons! But he hates sand... the sun... and the ocean, so I don't know if it's gonna work out...

Zach Nichols: Well, I tell you, I'm glad he's on our side. Because can you imagine a criminal that is so neat that he doesn't leave behind any hairs or fibers or fingerprints?

Shawn: He's basically my partner in crime-solving.

Gus: That's me, Shawn!

Shawn: ...I'm sorry, who are we talking about again?

Gus: Adrian Monk!

Cast

• Tony Shalhoub - Adrian Monk
• Traylor Howard - Natalie Teeger
• Ted Levine - Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
• Jason Gray-Stanford - Lieutenant Randall "Randy" Disher
• Bitty Schram - Sharona Fleming

External links

Wikipedia has an article about: Monk (TV series)

• Monk quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Monk at TV.com
• USA Network: Monk